WTF?! Whole Foods Now Selling Vinyl Records


The hilariously overpriced hipster-food mecca known as Whole Foods has expanded its offerings in the hopes of becoming the one-stop shop for all your trendy needs, and will now be selling vinyl records.

No, The Onion hasn't taken over Crave. Five of Whole Foods' Los Angeles locations are now stocking vinyl records on their shelves, right next to your Cherokee-hair tampons and GMO-free bottled water. Shoppers can expect to see a "wide selection" of LPs, including records from Daft Punk, Bob Marley, and The Rolling Stones – just don't go looking for metal or hip-hop, because those don't fit the NPR-culture paradigm. 

Whole Foods is clearly excited to establish themselves as the Urban Outfitters of food markets. "This launch isn't just about stocking our shelves with something new and different," Mike Bowen, an executive coordinator at Whole Foods, said in a statement. "It’s about listening to our shoppers and giving them access to the things they want — whether it’s their favorite cheese or their favorite way to enjoy music.” 

Alongside LPs, the stores will also be marketing LSTN Headphones, a company with a business model similar to Toms shoes – for every set of headphones sold, LSTN helps restore hearing to a person in need through the Starkey Hearing Foundation.

As more findings come to light that Whole Foods isn't all it's cracked up to be in the fight against shitty foods and better-health focus, the company is banking on the recent vinyl revival to keep those sucker-baiting profit margins obscenely high – and with good reason: Urban Outfitters has become one of the top vinyl sellers in the country. You know, the store that made a pop culture phenomenon out of selling shirts celebrating a man who represented tyranny and oppression for tens of millions of people.

Now if we can just get American Apparel to start selling wheatgrass shots and kale enema kits, the universe can neatly fold in on itself and tuck up inside this dude's beard: