I’m not going to waste your time with preamble. You’re already going to see The Rum Diaries. When you see “2 for 1” ANYTHING you think of shots and Margarita specials. You describe yourself as a “functional alchoholic” and idolize Hunter S. Thompson as justification for your love of journalism, guns, and oh yes, booze.
But people are out to kill your good mood and good time attitude! Okay, so I did have a preamble, sue me. Here’s some land mines to avoid to keep your buzz a buzzin:
1. You Run Out Of Booze
This may seem rudimentary, but when you start down the well-trod Jaeger-Bomb path of self destruction and willfull submission to vice you don’t have time to think “Oh hell, did I buy enough cheap Stag beer to kill a Brown Bear?” Get your ammo straight. That’s right, it’s ammo. Make sure you’re stocked and locked before you get loaded.
2. Girlfriend/Boy Toy Won’t Stop Bugging You
You never understand them when you’re sober so how are they helping you now? Clue: they’re not helping. They want to steal your good time all to themselves so they can help you “get clean” or something like that. If necessary, tell them you have rickets. When they respond with “Wait wha- ?” throw down your smoke bombs and jettison yourself out the nearest 2nd story window.
3. You Have To Go To Work Today
Hey, hasn’t that Occupy Wall Street thing made it so I don’t have to work or something!? Yeah! Where’s my money America?
Your boss’ main function is to get between you and fun. And fun for you is sweet obliteration. That and college football. Also, I hear your boss hates football. I’m not condoning violence against your boss or your job, but I am condoning passive-aggressive attitudes at work. Take out a few coffee stirrers in the break room and spill them around near the sink. Show those a-holes a thing or two. Boom.
4. Pet/Flower Garden/Elderly Family Member is ALWAYS NEEDING SOMETHING
You need to label the couch, communal toilet, and whole shelf of the refridgerator with post it notes that say “For the exxxclusive use of [insert name here]’s binge drinking”. That’s neither here nor there, but you should just do it okay? If you love boozing it up and you have someone else to take care off make sure to pass that off on a friend. Call it a “Bro Rule #1” or use blackmail. But nothing kills your buzz more than grandma CeCe hitting that stupid “First Response” button for no reason.
“GRANDMA! I am on World 4 of Super Mario Bros. 3! I cannot help you!”
BAR ETIQUETTE (ETA-WHAT?)
5. Not Enough REO Speedwagon Playing
You don’t want something too intense, but you need that sing a long aspect that you loved in the first two Backstreet Boys albums. They keep playing Lady GaGa and Crunk music and stupid s***. You literally feel your liver recovering, and that isn’t a good thing. You need it pure and smooth, like the Keystone Light you’re pounding down like a drowning fish. Only solution is to take it on the run.
6. Girl/Guy Is Not Digging Your “Game”
Yeah, you read the book, but still people don’t understand what a sexual dynamo you are. Your opening line about their father “stealing stars out of the sky…” is iron clad. Can’t they see the amount of Rum Runners you down is directly proportional to appeal as “one stand material”? Why they don’t also want a casual (possibly abusive) sexual relationship is beyond you. And your friends trying to shove “water” in your hand isn’t helping matters.
7. Nobody Wants To Fight You
“I’m the Juggernaut!” you exclaim as you perform at least two chinups from the balcony ledge of the Barney’s Beanery “come at me bro!” You were almost a first string in the 143 lbs weight class in amateur wrestling. You can throw a tight spiral, and have tighter abs. And no one is interested in challenging you to be king of the jungle.
In actuality, this isn’t a bad thing. Getting thrown out too early means you can’t dig deep into the drink specials, and a lack of challengers means they obviously don’t want to step. Mission: accomplished.
8. Favorite Sports Team is Performing Poorly
Nothing shakes your belief in Jesus Christ and all his Later Day Saints than Tim Tebow not performing well. You might find yourself in his pose soon. Whether it’s football, basketball, or Quiddich you’re gonna be royally buzz killed if something good doesn’t happen for your team soon. If this happens to you assume the regular pose of all religious sports fans: complete and utter denial. To help matters, make sure to blame everyone close to you for “not loving the game enough” then take a shot of pure Gin.
THE MOST EGREGIOUS INFRACTION
9. Emotional Contact
“Why is everyone crying? Why am I crying? C’mon we’re here to party! It’s a “fun” -eral not a funeral! We gotta drink for uncle Pat’s sake! I’ll do the first keg stand!”
(Though you never know who you might score with at funerals…just watch “Harold and Maude” totally hot.)
For more (bad) advice on drinking and (killing) living your life follow the author @cravesam