When the original Morbius teaser trailer came out back in January 2020, squeals of Marvel fans chorused around the globe. Unfortunately, Marvel and Jared Leto fans didn’t know they’d have a two-year buildup before having to endure one of the most disappointing films of the past decade. What the Marvel Cinematic Universe didn’t anticipate is just how bad of a movie they could create [enter Jared Leto], but therein lies an unexpected win — being the accidental comedy of the year.
That disappointment depends on a matter: Was it bad merely based lack of payoff for the lengthy wait? Or was it purely plum shit? Luckily, we entered it without any hopes or dreams of it fulfilling our childhood comic book fantasies but instead sought out the morbidly embarrassing Morbius moments of laughter we knew to look for.
Join us in the Marvel Comedic Universe for a flop only Jared Leto could be relied upon for, so much so that even the director is embarrassed for himself.
Warning: spoilers ahead!
1. Lucien (Not Milo!)
Early on in the movie, we get a little flashback to whenMorbius was a lowly, sick boy living in a Greek hospital. At one point, a new sick child named Lucien arrives at the hospital and almost dies when the machine he’s attached to begins malfunctioning.
By the way, did anyone notice Lucien never needs that machine in any of the other scenes?
Luckily, Morbius was a big fan of Data from The Goonies and was able to fix Lucien’s machine using a ballpoint pen spring. Lucien gets revived and he and Morbius become best buds.
What annoys us most is that Morbius is kind of an A-hole, refusing to call Lucien by his name. Instead, he chooses to call him Milo, as Milo was the name of the other sick child from the hospital that recently died in Lucien’s bed (sounds like Leto’s method acting again).
If that wasn’t weird enough, all of the other doctors in the hospital start referring to Lucien as Milo, too. Obviously, the doctors know his name is Lucien, but they just decide to go along with whatever weird qualms young Morbius has about learning new names.
The truly hilarious part comes 25 years in the future when now-millionaire Lucien has taken on the name Milo.
Was there a reason Lucien just decided to accept the name of a dead child forever?
I think we’re ready for a Milo spinoff.
2. “Do You Need A Doctor, A-Hole?”
At the very beginning of the movie, pre-vampire Morbius steps out of his helicopter in the Costa Rican jungle among a gang of soldiers because he’s there to try and snag some cave bats.
One soldier sees Morbius walking along with his cane and utters out what any reasonable person would ask when they see someone with a cane, “Do you need a doctor?”
Because, you know, this guy has never seen a walking cane before.
Morbius replies to him with, “I am a doctor.”
And the award for Best Writing in a Screenplay goes to…
Can we also just say, what if Morbius actually did need a doctor? What an ass.
3. Magic Litter Box
If you’ve heard anyone roasting Morbius over the past few weeks, it may have had to do with the litter box scene. This scene certainly had the Twitterverse laughing it up.
Essentially, there is a very odd and uncomfortable scene where it seems as if Jared Leto is attempting to summon a cat by shaking its litter box. Of course, people have pointed out that he was shaking the box detective-style to see if there was any cat scat in it.
Why in the world would he have said “kitty, kitty, kitty” if he was looking for the cat’s poop and not the actual cat itself?
Leto must be more of a dog guy.
4. Inexplicable Smokin’ Power
Morbius gets DNA from his stolen Costa Rican bats and splices it with his own DNA, gaining vampire-like power and a smokin’ six-pack. In the Marvel Universe, no questions need to be asked when it comes to abs. However, one thing we can’t bring ourselves to understand is the fact that he can also turn into smoke.
Was there a part of the movie we missed where he interacts with some stolen smoke? Was there a kid vaping in his lab during his experiment? If so, does he smell like Cool Ice Blueberry when he takes the form of smoke?
Is Jared Leto addicted to vaping? Does he need Jonah Hill’s help?
5. Worst Post-Credits Scene Ever
Why we didn’t leave the theater 20 minutes into the movie is a mystery to us, but the post-credit scene was our penance for staying. If you’ve seen the post-credits scene, you know you get two sequences.
- The Vulture (Michael Keaton) materializes in a jail cell in Morbius’ universe, telling him he hopes the”food is better in this joint.”
- Keaton and Morbius decide to team up for whatever reason even though one of them is a fugitive and should not have been found by anyone.
Or how about the general decision to shoehorn Spider-Man even though he literally has nothing to do with this movie. For Morbius fans out there, this movie was a total bust, and a strange, cynical attempt to try and expand the Spider-Verse.
The good thing is we can all at least leave theaters with a little laugh and the fortune of knowing Michael Keaton probably made a million dollars for no reason at all. Sometimes we drink at the same bar in Santa Monica so as far as we’re concerned, he owes us one.
Thanks, Hollywood, for maybe the most unexpected comedy since Snakes on a Plane.
Can’t wait for the next one!
by Tyler Connaghan
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