The LeBron James Pandemic Jam Rules For Playing Basketball During a Health Crisis
LeBron James didn’t become basketball’s GOAT by ignoring doctors. While cartoon characters can bounce back from any injury, 35-year-olds aren’t so lucky. What is the secret to the three-time MVP’s longevity despite a global pandemic? Is he secretly taking Michael Jordan’s Secret Sauce, a steroid popular with animated athletes? Of course not! But, it’s not all talent, hard work, and genetics either. James takes his diet and exercise as seriously as Bugs Bunny baking a carrot cake.
The superstar brings those same smarts to the NBA’s much-touted bubble. And no, it’s nothing like Pauly Shore’s Bio-Dome, except for maybe all the secret partying. Located at the ESPN Wide World of Sports Complex in Florida, it isn’t quite like a spaceship. Still, it’s probably good practice for James. He is set to star in the much-awaited sequel to Space Jam due out next year. In the meantime, he’ll be working towards winning a fourth NBA Championship. To do that, James must keep himself and his teammates safe. Here are some tips for how to ball safely like LeBron James during the global pandemic.
Cover Photo: Harry How (Getty Images)
Some Non-Looney Safety Tips
Since it’s played indoors in close proximity, basketball is the perfect sport for spreading COVID-19. Here are some safety tips in the spirit of LeBron James and his Looney Tunes teammates to help keep you from having to say, “What’s up, doc?”
The first rule of the bubble is you don’t leave the bubble. We know James is too laser-focused to go on any 2 a.m. panini runs. Any players caught sneaking out will be put on 10-day quarantines.
Air Fives and Air Bumps
This season air fives and air bumps are as hot as Air Jordans. James isn’t afraid to publicly express physical affection with other males while remaining socially distant, and you shouldn’t be either.
Cover Your Germ Holes
Unlike some NBA superstars, James knows a good defense is as important as raking up huge personal scoring numbers. Luckily, playing D against COVID-19 is easy: just wear a mask.
No Public Showers
While we doubt if the 6’9” James ever worried about showing off his twigs and berries, the NBA has banned shower parties in the bubble. All players are required to shower alone in their hotel rooms, which will probably cut down on injuries from towel whips anyways.
As funny as it is to imagine a bunch of nearly 7-foot dudes crowing into a little hotel room in their jammies, unfortunately no sleepovers are allowed in the NBA’s bubble.
NBA players have to stay in peak physical condition if they have any hope of winning, so they work out regularly on and off the court. While spotting and encouraging each other makes lifting heavy objects slightly less mind-numbing, ballers are required to exercise alone in order to keep from spreading the Trump Plague.
Only Ping, No Pong
Ping-pong matches in the bubble are strictly limited to one-on-one affairs, with doubles games specifically banned. Of course, if you’ve got a 7-foot wingspan, you probably don’t need a friend to help you cover a 5-foot wide court anyways.
Testing Every Other Day
Players in the bubble will be tested for COVID-19 every other day because they are more important than us regular people. If only essential workers could get the same love as these ballers, but at least we get watch the games.
The Snitch Line
By far the most controversial part of the NBA’s anti-COVID-19 policies is the anonymous hotline for reporting people who violate the rules. Dubbed the snitch line by some, one rival coach joked that he has already reported James because that’s the only way he could ever hope to take down the king.
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