Inarguably the worst part of the holidays is
Christmas music. It’s chintzy, saccharine, and waiting around every corner. Like some jolly zombie with Stevia for brains, it awakens from its yearlong slumber every December to wreak havoc on our lives. It’s an unruly invasion that is inescapable. And while a few Christmas songs admittedly bring joy to the child in us all, most of the season’s offerings are a blight upon society. Some are downright deadly. The following 15 songs are so atrocious, we’ve been forced to write Santa a letter asking him to banish them to the South Pole where they can never hurt anyone again. Until then, watch out for neighborhood carolers, and beware the 15 worst Christmas songs of all time.
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Worst Christmas Songs
'Backdoor Santa' - Bon Jovi
Bon Jovi is such a stud, he turned his Christmas
offering into an ode to butt sex. Not exactly the first thing we think of on Christmas morning, (though we understand if it's Bon Jovi's).
'Mistletoe' - Justin Bieber
The world will forever have this
Christmas song about waiting under the mistletoe with Justin Bieber's "shorty." And that's why we have dedicated our lives to building a time machine.
'Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town' - Bruce Springsteen
The Boss may need to be fired for
this one. The way he crams the square peg of his voice into the round hole of this song will send shudders down your spine.
'Happy Christmas (War Is Over)' - Maroon 5
Adam Levine sings with the conviction of an O.J. Simpson "not guilty" plea. In the hands of such a lightweight, John Lennon's beautiful poetry turns to shreds of used toilet paper. We never thought we'd say this, but we'd take Yoko Ono's screeching cat noises over Levine's
clueless mimicry any day.
'Santa Baby' - Michael Buble
Is it depressing to say that Michael Bublé is the Frank Sinatra of our times? Yes. Especially when hearing his not-so-subtle
twist of this Eartha Kitt classic. Turning "baby" into "buddy," Bublé somehow manages to transform a slightly worn-out Christmas tune into a portrait of insecure manhood at its eye-rolling best.
'Cherry, Cherry Christmas' - Neil Diamond
This new addition to the Christmas garbage heap aimed for greatness and missed it by a century. The faces of the kids gathered around Diamond in
this music video say it all. Who is this man and what has he done to Christmas?
'The Christmas Conga' - Cyndi Lauper
Even if you were spending Christmas beachside in a luxury cabana sipping mai tais in the surf, you'd still want to drown yourself if
this song came on. The only line it will be forming is the one exiting the party.
'Christmas Shoes' - NewSong
Don't get us wrong. If you like unapologetically cheesy, made-for-TV songs delivered with rococo sincerity, by all means, you will like NewSong's
Christmas gem. However, for everyone else, it will probably make you weep in ways you can never forget.
'Dominick the Donkey' - Lou Monte
Donkeys all over the world should be ashamed of themselves for participating in this campy Christmas
tune. Its frequent rotation on department store playlists has made life harder than it ever needed to be.
'Santa Claus Lane' - Hillary Duff
Just say you're sorry. And do whatever you have to do to scrub
this song from the internet.
'Duck the Halls' - Duck Dynasty
A reality show about a family of duck hunters released an entire Christmas album. If this doesn't automatically ruin Christmas forever, we're pretty sure their version of "Deck the Halls," replete with
duck-call choruses, will at least ruin your lunch.
Any Cover of 'Last Christmas' - Various Artists
Wham's tale of Christmas betrayal has crawled its way into the holiday music canon by being a guilty pleasure for listeners year after year. But with the rebirth of '80s culture, countless covers have been released, all of them varying degrees of terrible. When it comes to Christmas pop music, let the
originals rest in peace.
'Funky, Funky Christmas' - New Kids on the Block
Clocking in at over five minutes, New Kids on the Block have given us the longest, and therefore, the most damaging Christmas
song of all time. It would almost be a guilty pleasure if it wasn't so sublimely awful.
'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer' - Elmo and Patsy
this song even sneak into the lobby of the Christmas classics building? It should be banished forever to the parking lot of silence where it belongs.
'Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS' - Tiny Tim
We think the title speaks for itself, but if you need a refresher or insist on hearing the ill-produced track with your own ears, do so
here. Just remember, we told you so.