8 Movies We (Probably) Won’t Judge You For Crying Over
Photo: Leland Bobbe (Getty Images)
The world needs more cowboys. We live in a world of lily-pickers and lollygaggers. These are the people that wear plaid, play guitar, and who are actually “in touch with their emotions.” We know, it’s a disgrace.
Luckily, the world is taking notice and it’s saying that we need more tough guys, more masculinity, and more testosterone. We need more men, really. We’re talking about the type of man that wakes up with the sun, drinks Coors Light by the case, and who wears their Affliction shirts proudly. “I am man, hear me roar!” we should all be shouting from the rooftops. And then we should high-five each other because that’s what men do!
One thing macho men can’t do, however, is cry. Unless, of course, it’s during these eight movies. Feel free to shed a tear (or soak up a whole box of Kleenex) while watching these flicks. We won’t tell.
'Saving Private Ryan'
Saving Private Ryan is about the bond of brotherhood. It’s about fighting for your own, searching for the lost, and not coming home until the mission is accomplished. Tom Hanks stars as John Miller, a captain assigned to locate a missing Private named James Ryan (Matt Damon). That’s the premise of the film, but there are many interwoven stories throughout.
In the end, Private Ryan is saved and it’s because of the sacrifice of a man who believed human life is more important than “following directions.” The final scene, with Private Ryan visiting the grave of the man who saved him, turns us into blubbering babies who cannot be pacified until we are sucking on our binky.
Speaking of sacrifice, who knew a f*cking X-Men movie would bring us to our knees, sacrificing our dignity in order to properly convey our emotions?
Logan may or may not be in continuity with the rest of the X-Men films, but Hugh Jackman returns to the role of Wolverine and gives, arguably, the greatest performance of his career. At the end of the film, as Logan begins taking his last breaths, he says: “You don’t have to fight anymore.”
Cue the waterworks, bub.
The last 5 minutes of Furious 7 makes us bawl like a baby every single time we watch it! This was star Paul Walker’s final swan song with the family that he developed in the Fast and Furious franchise.
Walker died during the making of the movie and the tribute to him at the conclusion of it leaves us in tears, no matter how many time we’ve seen it (hundreds, BTW).
There is no better, purer, more beautiful love than that between a boy and his dog. Old Yeller is a timeless classic about a mangy, old, yellow dog with the heart of a pup. He comes across a family and instantly ingratiates himself to a little boy, much to the chagrin of his older brother.
Eventually, the older brother ends up loving Old Yeller more than anybody, just in time to have to put him down after the dog contracts rabies.
So let that be a lesson to you, kids. Every dog you love will die.
'Toy Story 3'
We don’t know why Toy Story 4 is being made. Toy Story 3 was perfect and offered the closure that all of us needed. For many of us, Toy Story 3 marked the conclusion of our childhood. It was the transition that we, along with Andy, made into the ‘grown-world.’ As Andy gave Woody, Buzz, Rex and the rest of his friends to Bonnie, we, too, gave away a little piece of our heart.
What is it with Disney and making us feel things? We drink specifically to avoid things like “feelings.” But, Bambi makes us feel exactly how we felt the first time we watched it, all those years ago. We laughed at the way Bambi learned to walk. We smiled at his friendship with Thumper and Flower.
And, boy oh boy, did we cry when Bambi’s mom got shot by a hunter.
“I’ll never let go, Jack,” Rose promised her dead boyfriend in Titanic. “I’ll never let go.” She never did. And, we didn’t either.
OK, in all honesty, she let go, like, almost immediately. But we never did.
*Whispers silently* We never did.
The Sex Video You Made With Your Ex
Seriously, man. Delete it. You’re bummin’ everybody out.