Isaac Hayes Had Some Help

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According to new reports, it has been revealed that the press release detailing Isaac Hayes’ decision to leave South Park was released, not by Hayes, but by fashion executive and fellow Scientologist, Christina “Kumi” Kimball, while Hayes was at home recuperating from a stroke that he suffered three months ago. Hayes had reportedly no intentions of leaving the show, because he enjoys the show and has a new wife and baby on the way, but members of Scientology took it upon themselves to take advantage of Hayes’ condition and speak for him. However, days after this announcement, his character, Chef, was killed off in last night’s episode.

Hayes did not participate in the episode but his lines were apparently patched together from previous recordings. Chef arrives after travelling the world with the Super Adventure Club and repeatedly tells the children he wants to “make sweet love” to them. The children take him to a psychiatrist and then a strip club, where he remembers his love for women and is cured. But he is brainwashed by the Super Adventure Club again – before falling off a bridge and being burned, stabbed and mauled by a lion and a grizzly bear.

At this point, is there any reason why anybody wouldn’t want to become a Scientologist? Other than being addicted to crack or starring in a Jennifer Lopez movie, what other thing could you do that would ruin your career faster? Damn, Scientology’s a helluva drug.

Here’s Chef’s “death” scene. Note that there was more to this. In the end, he goes on to live as a Darth Vader-ish version of himself, so he’s not quite dead yet.

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