Kirsten Dunst is Not A Stripper

The National Enquirer is reporting that saggy skank Kirsten Dunst was mistaken for a stripper that works at the famed Body Shop while waiting for her limo outside of the Chateau Marmont Hotel on Sunset Boulevard. A man slinked up beside Dunst and whispered, “I’ll pay you $500 if you let me squirt whipped cream on your body and let me lick it off.” Offended, Dunst screamed, “Gross!”, and turned and walked away. The man following behind her and said, “Wait. What’s the matter? I come to watch you dance every weekend!” To which Kirsten replied,”Wrong girl, guy!” then she sped off in her limo.

I’m not a doctor so I don’t quite know the state of this man’s mental health, but I can only assume he talked to Kirsten just before he drank his own urine and told a phone book to repent, for the time of purification was at hand. Because mistaking the shockingly ugly Kirsten Dunst for a stripper is something that probably could not be explained by science. Strippers are supposed to give you a hard-on, not make you want to cut off your penis and throw it in a field.