Scarlett Johansson cheats with Jared Leto

“Scarlett Johansson is having a hard time getting Jared Leto out of her system,” says Page Six. “The gorgeous star, 20, was dumped by the stud, 33, because she was supposedly too young for him. Johansson quickly started seeing hunky Josh Hartnett. Leto then moved onto Ashley Olsen, who is even younger than Johansson. But a good source claims Scarlett is sneaking out and having midnight trysts with Leto.”

Josh Hartnett should go ahead and kill himself now, because – based on stuff I made up – it’s obvious he hasn’t got the penis to measure up to Jared Leto and Scarlett Johansson has gotten spoiled. Poor guy. I can’t even imagine. At my first NFL training camp for the Saints, the team doctor gave me a physical and went on and on about what a glorious penis I have. And I’m pretty sure he meant it too, because during the “turn your head and cough” part, his hand seemed to linger down there a little too long. I even … wait a second … I never played football for the Saints. Which means I never got a team physical. Jesus Christ, who was that guy?

Pictures above are from the upcoming Lord of War, where Leto plays the brother of arms dealer Nic Cage. Leto narrowly beat out Lucy Liu and Garfield for the role, both of whom look more like Nic Cage than Jared Leto.