The 5 Phases of Watching A Horror Movie Alone At Home
Watching a scary movie when you’re at home and all alone can either be one of the best things to do or it can be one of the worst. It really depends on the movie you’re watching. If it’s a really well made horror movie, it’s a fun idea, but you’re gonna end up regretting it. Let me show you why by taking you through the 5 phases of watching a horror movie alone at home.
PHASE 1: Overconfidence
Well, you’ve got the night to yourself and an endless selection of mediocre movies on Netflix at your fingertips. You could just go the safe route and watch a lighthearted comedy, but it’s been long enough since you last had the shit scared out of you and you’re feeling like a four star rated horror movie is the way to go. In my experience, if you choose a scary movie with a three star rating or less, you have every right to be overconfident. Overconfidence will most likely be the only phase you experience since poorly made horror movies tend to be pretty laughable. However, if you chose one with three and a half stars or higher, get ready to experience the next four phases and may God have mercy on your soul.
OK, so you jumped one or two times during the opening ten minutes. It’s fine. You’re fine. It’ll be fine. This isn’t scary. That’s what the beginning of a horror movie is suppose to do to you. It’s a gimmick. Now that it’s out of your system and the worst part is clearly over, you can sit back and relax. Get ready to laugh at all of the idiots who claimed this movie was insanely terrifying. You’re the bravest person on the planet and they’re all a bunch of pussies.
PHASE 3: Pure Unadulterated Terror
HOLY HELL your heart is racing. Why would anyone intentionally choose to put themselves through this?! At this point, you’re terrified to even leave your couch or bed. Why are you still watching it if it’s creeping you out so much? You’ve had to pee for the past twenty minutes, but the bathroom is so far and it’s way too dark for you to even fathom a trip over there. No, the best thing to do right now is to sit and finish this movie. Let everything wrap up and you’ll see that everything is perfectly alright. You’ll be able to calm down after it’s all over.
PHASE 4: Faux Relief
It’s over. You made it. All of the really scary parts of the movie are finally over and the epilogue is actually proving to be quite pleasant. Sure, a lot of horror movies you’ve seen in the past tend to have one last scare right before the credits, but you’re totally expecting that and there’s no way in hell they’re gonna get you this ti—-SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!!!
PHASE 5: Post-traumatic Stress Disorder
For the rest of the night (and for many of you poor souls, the rest of your lives), you will jump every time you hear any sort of noise that didn’t come from you. That noise your fridge always makes? It’s obviously a ghost now. That rustling outside that you’ve heard every night ever that is clearly just a breeze against a bush? Well, now it’s someone in a mask with a knife hiding and just waiting for you to step outside. Oh, and if you were planning to shut the lights off and go to sleep right after the film, that’s just not gonna happen. You’ll be sleeping with the lights on like you’re back in grade school. For at least a week. Possibly longer.