5 Times Jason Bourne Should Have Died But Didn’t By Being A Total Bad Ass

So it’s no secret that we here at Crave HQ are massive fans of the Bourne franchise, and in particular Matt Damon‘s endlessly innovative and just plain bad ass amnesiac super-spy Jason Bourne. So when we heard that he was once again returning to the role – along with The Bourne Supremacy and The Bourne Ultimatum director Paul Greengrass – for the series’ fifth installment Jason Bourne to say we were excited was an understatement.

Playing the genetically enhanced super spy with a lean and gritty tenacity, Damon’s Bourne is without doubt one of the toughest mutha-fuckers to ever take on a shadowy government organisation. Where James Bond is all quips, tuxedos, high-tech gadgets and luxury sports cars, Bourne is always the underdog that somehow comes out on top. Usually through a mixture of tooth and nail violence, quick thinking and just being incredible hard to kill.

So, with all the excitement bubbling up inside us and bursting at the seams, we couldn’t hold it in anymore and decided we better celebrate Bourne’s awesome death-defying antics with our list of 5 Times Jason Bourne Should Have Died But Didn’t By Being A Total Badass…brought to you by Jason Bourne, in cinemas Thursday 28th July.

That Time He Beat The Shit Out Of A Guy With A Magazine In The Bourne Supremacy

As you’ll soon notice, Bourne using everyday household items to beat the shit out of people is kind of a running theme of the franchise. One of the best instances of this has to be the scene in The Bourne Supremacy where he faces off against fellow genetically enhanced super spy Jarda (Martin Csokas).

Having the drop on him initially, Bourne has his hands zip tied and it all looks to be going to plan, only for Jarda to get the upper hand in a flurry of elbows, knees, and punches. Things look really dire for Bourne when Jarda grabs a knife from the kitchen and so he does what anyone would do. Roll up a magazine and the beat the shit out of him like some pesky insect.

That Time He Jumped Down A Stairwell And Used A Dead Body To Break His Fall In The Bourne Identity

For a film franchise known for bringing a more gritty and grounded approach to the spy film genre, this has to be the most out there scene in the entire series. Having tracked down the location of his old boss Conklin (Chris Cooper), Bourne is on his way out when he gets ambushed by a group of attackers at the top of a stairwell.

Disarming the first guy and wasting him and his compadres with his own gun (held upside down in his left hand, winning points for unconventional gun play) shit proceeds to get proper batshit when with one attacker left on his way up the stairs, Bourne decides to take the plunge down the stairwell’s central shaft, taking the first assailant with him as a body shield/landing mat, and shooting the final attacker in between the eyes as he passes him on the way down. Because of course you would.

That Time He Brought A Pen To A Knife Fight From The Bourne Identity

I told you that these films love having Bourne beat/kill people with everyday objects didn’t I? Proving that the pen is mightier than the sword, or rather the knife, this scene from The Bourne Identity is one of the best fight sequences in the entire series. Still trying to piece together who he is, and what the bloody hell is going on, he arrives at his Paris home in search of answers only for a peroxide blond henchman to come crashing through his window with a sub-machine gun.

Bourne does his thing and disarms the would-be killer after a brutal hand to hand exchange, only for the attacker to pull a knife after coming off second best. Bourne then grabs the closest sharp implement he can get his hands on, a pen, with the ensuing fight scene proving it’s not the size of the weapon that matters but how you use it. Also, the scene gets extra point for the peroxide blond henchman, because all henchman should have Eurotrash hair like this.

The Time He Jumped Off A Building Into The East River To Escape A Hit Squad From The Bourne Ultimatum

SPOILER ALERT, as this scene takes place at the end of The Bourne Ultimatum (which came out five years ago so, actually… shut up). Having led the shadowy government agency he’s been running from/hunting down throughout the series on a wild goose chase, and finally gotten the answers to his origins, Bourne finds himself cornered on a rooftop. Held at gunpoint by fellow genetically enhanced assassin Paz (Edgar Ramirez), Bourne manages to talk his way of being shot only to spot a squad of agents arriving and well and truly meaning business.

With nowhere left to run, he goes all Thelma & Louise and jumps… from the top of a small skyscraper and into New York’s East River, taking a bullet as he does so. But being the massive bad ass that he is, he just swims it off, as the final sequence of the film shows, and the fact there is another movie coming out, suggests.

That Time He Crushed A Guys Wind Pipe With A Coffee Table Book Then Strangled Him With A Washcloth In The Bourne Ultimatum

The final instalment in this article’s series of “Jason Bourne uses household items to waste a mutha-fucker” entries, Bourne’s battle with Desh, yet another genetically enhanced killer played by Joey Ansah (seriously, you’d think with all the trouble Bourne causes them they would have given up on the whole super-soldier plan) is the series most brutal and realistic brawl so far. Fitting for the final film in the Damon led trilogy, Bourne uses not one but a range of household items in the fight, using a coffee table book to crush Desh’s windpipe as well as beating him in the face with it, before switching things up from the living room to the bathroom where he throws a series of hair and skin products at the would be killer.

Desh then grabs a straight razor of the sink, so Bourne grabs a washcloth and proceeds to go all locker room on him using it as a whip, and finally strangling him with it. Following an awesome balcony hopping parkour filled chase scene beforehand, this fight is breathless and nail biting and has us simmering in our own juices to see how Greengrass and Damon top it in Jason Bourne.

Jason Bourne is in cinemas Monday 22nd August. Grab the previous titles in the series and catch up here.