Photo: Universal Pictures
Well hereâs a conversation you probably donât have every day. I reached out to friends, which immediately became much closer friends, and asked them about the strangest thing thatâs ever done the job for them. Honestly we all went through that weird phase where everything is kind of sexual and youâre just a big ball of horniness at all times. If anything, this should make you feel a lot less embarrassed about your own little, private adventures.
1. âRemember water snakes? Those toys that were like squishy tubes filled with liquid that you could stick your finger in? I made love to one of those. It was like a junior Fleshlight. The best part is that it was my friendâs little brotherâs toy and I never told him what I did with it.â
2. âOk, this is weird, and Iâm only sharing it because my name isnât going with it. My parents bought a camcorder, for what I assume was to make sex tapes of their own. I assume that because it was set up on a tripod in their room. One day when no one else was home I took the camera and set it up in my room and recorded myself masturbating. Then, and hereâs the really weird part, I wait a little bit and jerked off to the recording of me jerking off from earlier. After it was over I recorded over the tape and obviously never brought it up to anyone ever again.â
3. âBack before you had the internet to be your instant smut provider, we had to be creative. I got off so many times arranging Barbies and action figures together in sexual positions. I was like a tiny pornographer for plastic models.â
4. âThe very first time I ever did it, I actually didnât know what I was doing. I didnât realize THAT was what masturbating was. I was lying on the floor in my room going to town on myself to a scene on âMad About Youâ where Helen Hunt was brushing her teeth. Iâll never forget that moment.â
5. âOnce when I was 12 I was on a trip with my grandparents in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. I had my own room and was constantly dealing with boners, so I used the only sexual stimulant I had; the small, somewhat sexual moans Shania Twain made during her hit single âAny Man of Mine.â I had it on tape and just listened to it on my walkman over and over until I finished. Certainly not my proudest moment.â
6. âPetroleum Jelly was a stereotype of things youâd use to masturbate with, but we never had any in my house. So on a trip to my grandmaâs house I noticed a jar of it in the cabinet. Instead of putting some on my hand and using it that way, I just turned the can sideways and started thrusting into it. Iâm sure she was puzzled by the random pit in the middle of her ointment, but thankfully no one ever mentioned it to me.â
7. âI donât have anything weird that I masturbated to, but one time a guy convinced me that we could use ketchup as lube. Let me just say that I do not recommend using ketchup as lube. Iâll leave it at that.â
8. âOne time I stayed up until 4am because there was a movie on HBO where a woman was talking and her dress came down just a little, so you could see her nipple. I stayed up hours just to be able to jack off to that. You kids had better be thankful for what you have now. Those were dark days.â
9. âI donât think I ever actually masturbated to it, but man let me tell you, as a teenager in the late â90s you could easily find some seriously messed up stuff on the internet. I would use IRC to exchange pictures with these server bots and I saw so many things that PornHub couldnât even fathom today. I donât want to go into detail, but Iâve unintentionally seen way too many animals having sex with people.â
10. âI used to do it all the time to my VHS copy of âThe Little Mermaid,â but not to Ariel. I would do it to Ursula. There was something about those big, busty naturals that really did it for me.â
11. âI can jack off to someoneâs Instagram even if there are no sexually suggestive pictures whatsoever. You know how those detectives on TV can visualize how a murder went down without actually seeing what happened? Thatâs what I can do, except with visualizing boobs. Itâs a gift and a curse.â
12. âFor me itâs probably the Tonya Harding sex tape. I deserved better than that. It was not a good performance by anyone involved.â
13. âSo this isnât a weird thing I masturbated to as much as it is a weird path I chose to get to the masturbating. I was going on a road trip with my dad to my uncleâs house for the weekend to watch the Super Bowl. On the way there he stopped at a gas station and bought some dirty magazines. He thought I didnât see them, but I saw them. So when he wasnât looking I took one and put it inside the lining of the sleeve of my coat. I put it down on my forearm so you couldnât really tell anything was there unless you touched it. I hid that thing in there for THREE WHOLE DAYS! I donât want to be a drug smuggler, but from that experience, I think Iâd be a pretty good mule.â
14. âPrincess Lolly from the Candyland game. We didnât have a lot of options back then, ok?â