Lindsay’s Life Is Over

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Lindsay doesn’t have to go to jail or rehab, but she might as well call Christian Shepard to take her to church, because she is in hell. TMZ reports:

Judge Marsha Revel laid down the law during a hearing this AM in Beverly Hills court. Judge Revel told Lindsay in order to stay free on bail, she cannot drink alcohol, she must wear a SCRAM device and she must submit to random drug testing. Lindsay must begin wearing the SCRAM bracelet within 24 hours. Lindsay must also attend all scheduled alcohol ed classes at least once a week. Lindsay’s lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, began to object to the conditions, but when the judge said she would state out loud all the reasons why the conditions were appropriate — Holley backed off and accepted the conditions. And the judge indicated Lindsay must stay in the L.A. area — which will get in the way of shooting a movie in Texas. The judge basically said, tough luck. Mind you … the conditions the judge imposed must be met in order for Lindsay to remain free on bail. The judge is also scheduling a hearing to determine if Lindsay has violated her probation — the date for the hearing is July 6. If the judge decides Lindsay violated her probation by not attending her alcohol ed program as required … she could be jailed for 180 days.

To recap: For Lindsay to avoid jail, she cannot drink alcohol, she must wear a SCRAM device at all times, she must submit to random drug testing, she must attend an alcohol education class at least once a week, and she can’t leave L.A. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling pretty good about my Dead Pool right now.