Sun Is Bad For You, So Here’s Our Summer TV Guide Instead

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Why would you go outside and smile in the sunshine when you could close the curtains and tune into our summer TV guide? June and July are chock full of newbies, as well as some favorite oldies, but what’s really important is that you heed our advice on whether or not to tune in or brave the swamp ass of summer.

While some of these shows have long-awaited sequel seasons, others are brand new babies coming from all forms of streaming (Netflix, Paramount, Hulu, Amazon). But what you should really thank us for is all the money you’ll save on sunblock by ignoring the outside world this summer, not to mention all the horribly embarrassing sunburns.

Goliath (Amazon) June 15

The same day Queer Eye in mid-June, we get Amazon’s latest hit back for its sophomore season, the Billy Bob Thornton lawyer drama that took 2017 off.

To see or not to see?

See It: Anybody who’s seen Thornton in Fargo knows he can lead well outside of Bad Santa.

The Affair (Showtime ) June 17

You thought the criss-cross love-lives of the Showtime stunner starring the broken Dominic West-Maura Tierney, Joshua Jackson-Ruth Wilson marriages would struggle to find its footing after its season two closer. But the show found new life with a strong ending in season three. Now the show resets with some of the cast starting fresh cast across the country to Los Angeles, while others struggle to let go of the past.

To see or not to see?

Of course, there’s nothing better on. We’re just pumped Ruth Wilson is back in our lives.

Yellowstone (Paramount) June 20

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Kevin Costner is helping Paramount launch their new TV network by throwing it back to the olden theme of a rancher and his family under attack by those who want to take his land. This might be the best we’ve seen of Costner since his role as Robin Hood or the sad dad (Molly’s Game, Man of Steel) who shows up for 10 minutes and make us weep.

To see or not to see?

Did you not love him in Prince of Thieves? Don’t be silly.

Marvel’s Luke Cage (Netflix) June 22

Marvel is on a roll this year (and apparently every year until the end of man and then some more) so why stop at movies. With folks waiting impatiently for the return of The Defenders, the new Luke Cage season is sure to entertain as people also wait impatiently for the outcome of Infinity War next spring.

To see or not to see?

Sure, if you’re into that whole superhero thing, it’s probably one of the better comic book options.

Preacher (AMC) June 24

Like most people, you probably don’t watch Preacher but you have heard from a friend that it’s “actually pretty good.” Well here’s your chance to sit down and watch what you think is going to be another shitty zombie thriller, only to realize that that is very much what this is not.

To see or not to see?

We suggest you hold out for season four of Better Call Saul in early August.

GLOW (Netflix) June 29

The bell has rung on the gladly-received gorgeous ladies of wrestling, who are back for another round with Marc Maron, maybe the most underrated comedian we can think of at the moment, at the helm. You have to respect that mustache, ladies.

To see or not to see?

If Marc were shitting on a puppy, we’d still watch. And laugh. Per usual.

Sharp Objects (HBO) July 8

Amy Adams and guy who brought you Big Little Lies, Jean-Marc Vallée, are teaming up for HBO’s somewhat unhyped (new word) Gillian Flynn adaptation. Any HBO members who saw what she could do in Nocturnal Animals forgot the whole Lois Lane bit and should gladly tune in, especially since Vallée won’t be directing the returning sequel season of Big Little Lies, set for 2019.

To see or not to see?

It’ll be nice to see A.A. not playing L.L. for a change. And Jean-Marc is a genius.

Castle Rock (Hulu) July 25

Stephen King with a side of Sissy Spacek? Who wouldn’t be stoked for a Carrie reunion? The Maine creeper follows the literary prose of our favorite horror author while casting Billy Skarsgard (Pennywise from IT) and Jane Levy alongside the Bloodline matriarch.

To see or not to see?

Whatever, Hulu kind of sucks. But cancelling The Path was the first good move they’ve made in months. And there’s no denying the pedigree here.  

Orange Is the New Black (Netflix) July 27

The ladies in orange are suiting up for the aftermath of season five (no spoilers here), in which the show is suspected to be taking things “to the max.” We hope there’s going to be a Saved by the Bell crossover in which the Zack Attack gets back together, but we’re holding our breath. We’ll settle for a Max Burger.

To see or not to see?

This show is still on? Hopefully it’s not a 25-year sentence.

Making It (NBC) July 31

Nick Offerman AND Amy Poehler reunite on NBC for what feels like a Parks & Recreation spinoff in which Offerman is still obsessed with wood and Poehler still seems more Knope than not. The two are slated for a 6-episode, unscripted hand-crafting competition series in which Offerman will hopefully eat bacon and eggs while Poehler crafts glittery poster boards. We only hope Chris Pratt rekindles the role of Andy Dwyer as judge of the show.