Dan Patrick


When you're a state sentor running for Lt. Governor in Texas like Dan Patrick, a good thing to do on social media is to let the hate flow through so you so hard that it confuses your brain and you post something on Twitter that makes you sound like you were scrolling through Grindr before you did. Of course the tweet was deleted immediately, and he clarified that "marriage is between a man and a woman. Period." I guess that means you still have to stay married to her when she's on her period. Which means she's not pregnant. And conservatives don't want any more babies sucking on the tit of the government. But gay men can't get pregnant and don't go to Planned Parenthood. Or get free birth control. And they throw a lot of money into the economy by having parties and buying clothes and candles and stuff. It seems like Conservatives would be on board with gays, but you know, God said that one thing that one time. I mean, if I were President and they asked what I would do to completely erase our national deficit, I'd walk to the mic and say five words: "Legalized marijuana. Gay wedding registries." Then I'd throw on some  sunglasses and a guy would throw a cape on me and hand me a scepter and I'd just walk out. Problem solved. No more questions.


(h/t Gawker)