Now For Something Completely Different

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It’s a holiday weekend, so gossip sucks right now, so I thought I’d post some pictures of actual stars and celebrities. This site is overrun by skanks and things that pass for genius, so I’d thought I’d take this time to remind everyone what being an Hollywood star actually means. Let’s face it, the only classically beautiful actresses working in Hollywood today are Charlize Theron, Diane Lane, Rachel McAdams, Halle Berry, and Angelina Jolie. That’s it. The rest of them need CGI and magic to look halfway human, so here is some pics of what actresses are supposed to look like.

NOTE: I would jump over Megan Fox and Ashley Greene going down on each other to get in a time machine set to “bang the chicks in these pictures”. Also, I’m not a huge Bogart fan, but he has my undying respect for being 45 and banging the 18-year old in pic #4.

NOTE #2: Elizabeth Taylor, goddamn. I said, got-dam.

From top left: Ava Gardner, Elizabeth Taylor, Lana Turner, Lauren Bacall, Rita Hayworth, Veronica Lake, Jane Russell, Marilyn Monroe, Sophia Loren, Audrey Hepburn (Banner Picture: Rita Hayworth)

I can’t leave my lady readers out, so here’s some dudes. My extensive research involved me calling my mom and asking her who should be on the list. After she said, “It’s not an emergency? Then why are you calling me at 8:30 in the morning on a Saturday?” she gave me her picks. I included her comments as well.

Marlon Brando: “Son, just be glad I didn’t have a chance of meeting him before I met your father. We might not be having this conversation.”

Paul Newman: “It’s too early for me to talk about Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke, Todd.”

James Dean: “I don’t need to explain this do I?”

Elvis: “He’s prettier than most of the women you just told me about.”

Cary Grant: “Yes son, I read your site. You wish you were that suave.”