Archaeologists Uncover Remains Of Mysterious Music-Playing Spinning Black Disc On What They Refer To As Record Store Day

Photo: CELSO ROLDAN/AFP/Getty Images

Local Oregon residents were stunned after archaeologists, who had been hard at work in Willamette Valley since 2014, uncovered fragment remains of a mysterious black disc, which they believe, when fully intact, plays music upon spinning. While Oregon has more than 35,000 recorded archaeological sites, this is the first to reveal any buried particles to circular spinning vinyl objects.

What was originally believed to be the oldest depiction of the universe, The Nebra Sky Disc, assumably from The Bronze Age, turned out to part of a sound platform with ridges etched in circular patterns believed to create sound frequencies within their grooves. The team has been hard at work to recover the remaining fragments, which top scientists are now claiming may fit under a needle on an phonographic apparatus that may have been used by past tribes as part of ritual ceremonies, including the birth of the first son to any tribesman, pre-war motivational dances, as well as nude hallucinogenic tea parties.

“We believe these people used music as a form of life enrichment, perhaps to distract them from the hardships of dysentery, starvation and routine incest,” one of the local archaeologists said. “It’s clear they were having a very good time when the “music” was “blasting.”

Another mystery: Does Anyone Know What Ricky Gervais’ Religious Beliefs Are?

It is still unknown how these black magic discs were powered, but Oregon historians have suggested that groups of men and women would form a circle of “musical chairs” in which the music would play as they walked in perfect formation around the circle. When the music stopped, it is said that the last one standing would be killed and eaten by their people.

Historians have named this day, Record Store Day, which is slated to be celebrated this year on Saturday, April 21. Support your local record stores so that this harsh punishment may cease. Below is a close-up of the recovered musical record, which the same historians believe to have found a connection to an ancient artist known only as Tina Turner.

Photo: via goldrecordoutlet.com

But seriously, if you need recommendations for RSD… 

The Allman Brothers – Live at the Atlanta International Festival, 1970

The Doors – Live at The Matrix, Part II

Pink Floyd – The Piper at the Gates of Dawn (Mono)

The Cure – Mixed Up

Chuck Berry – Greatest Hits

Jimi Hendrix – “Mannish Boy”

Led Zeppelin – “Friends”/”Rock ‘n Roll”

Awolnation – Live in Vienna

David Bowie – David Bowie

Arcade Fire – EP

Record Store Day is on April 21!