Apple Has Gone Hysterically Over-The-Top With Its Apple Watch Customer Service


If you’re still interested in purchasing an Apple Watch following that underwhelming Apple event, in which the company seemingly went out of their way to detail how inessential the device is, then congratulations on having all that spare money to blow. While there are perhaps other, much more practical uses of that extra cash, such as bathing in it or using it as makeshift toilet paper, I understand how difficult it is to leave your wallet in your back pocket when a new and shiny gadget rears its pristine head.

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The Apple Watch is, as you would expect given the tech giant’s history, a particularly pricey gadget that unlike its smartphone and tablet family members, doesn’t really offer much bang for your buck. Yes, it’s got some nifty little perks such as the ability to check in at airports with a flash of your wrist, and it certainly looks the part with its selection of bands boasting varying degrees of attractiveness, from the sleek stainless steel models through to the colorful sports straps, but at prices ranging from $349 to a whopping $17,000 it’s a big investment with not much in the way of value to offer consumers.

As such, the company’s laid down its plan to give prospective Apple Watch buyers special treatment in their Apple Stores, which stop just short of giving them a massage with a happy ending.


Special Treatment

Those who are looking to purchase the Apple Watch Edition, which boasts the gold strap and retails for between $10,000 – $17,000, will be given an hour-long appointment that will give them enough time to caress the Watch, to feel its unreasonably priced exterior wrap around their wrist and to be gently seduced by it. According to 9to5Mac, those interested in purchasing the Apple Watch Edition will “have a special try-on station,” which presumably will be far enough away from the peasants with their $349 Watch’s that they’ll be able to spit on them without fearing any physical repercussions. 

Apple is branding this one-hour appointment the “Apple Watch journey,” with the “journey” seemingly consisting of individuals with far too much money disappearing into their own anuses for 60 minutes, soaking up the scent of their own gaseous emissions with aplomb. Apple has branded the “journey” as an “extremely personal, elegant, and purposeful” affair in an email to its employees, which is industry speak for “the people with the most money get to fast-track the queue and sit in a special area where they can privately envelope themselves in self-satisfaction.”


A herd of Apple Geniuses, all ready and waiting to pat you on the head and tell you how beautiful you are.

Obviously Apple is looking to court its wealthiest potential consumers in any way possible, and they’re hardly the first company to do so in a pretentious manner, but this is still a bit much even in the digital age of long-winded press releases and Google Glassholes. If you’re going to drop $10,000 to $17,000 on a smartwatch then it’s inevitable you’d want to feel like you’d got your money’s worth, though it’s questionable that an hour-long appointment and a sycophantic statement from Apple promising you that you’re going to feel super special when you walk into one of their stores would help you achieve that.

That’s not all, though; if you’re not feeling up to the task of venturing down to your nearest Apple Store and trying out the Watch for yourself, you can engage in a video conference in order to convince you to seal the deal. It hasn’t yet been confirmed whether or not this video call will be displayed at the store using a theater-sized projector screen, where you’ll be able to look down upon the lowly buyers of the Apple Watch Sport before choosing which of them you wish to send to their death, but I’m assuming this will be elaborated upon in a future press release.

In reality, if you’re spending that kind of money on a wearable that will in all likelihood be defunct within a year or so, then you’re either stuck for things to throw cash at or you have a major problem with making sensible decisions. By the time the Apple Watch 2 inevitably rolls around that gold-plated device hanging on your wrist will feel worthless, despite it being around the same price as a used 2010 Ford Mustang. Unless you’re that deprived of social contact that you would happily pay through the nose to be treated like royalty by a student wearing an Apple shirt, it’s unlikely that Apple’s extreme customer service will lead to you deeming the Apple Watch Edition anything other than overpriced, sexy garbage.

Photos: Apple