How To Save A Failing Relationship The Old-Fashioned Way

Young couple with relationship difficulties. Photo: Emilija Manevska (Getty)

Relationships can be tough at times, and that’s a good thing. But a failing relationship? That’s a real son of a bitch. However, it doesn’t mean the situation can’t be fixed, especially if it’s more than just another post-post-modern relationship with a bit of foundation and enough inside jokes.

When trying to save a failing relationship of today the old fashioned way, you must take a few steps back (together), anaylze the problem and gather the best solutions from an elder love doctor and unlicensed cynic– like myself — who only loves dogs and not people.

So here we go.

Pros & Cons Time!

It may seem like a joke, but there’s nothing funny about How I Met Your Mother. Seriously though, pros and cons can help you not only establish the source of the problem on both sides, but make you realize if the relationship is a colossal waste of time.

Twin Beds

If one or more of the major issues is the sleeping arrangements — she goes to bed the same time as my niece, he’s up later than most serial killers, she farts, he snores, she sweats, he’s dead inside — then maybe twin beds is a quick solution. Put them together when you knock house slippers and move them apart when it’s time to go night-night.

Don’t Communication Breakup

Perception is not always reality, friends. When there’s a communication breakdown, it’s generally followed by a communication breakup. Don’t let the thoughts in your head play a different narrative than what’s actually going on. Find some alignment or your relationship is going to be a real airball, and people will boo you.

Take Things a Little More Seriously

It’s good to keep a relationship light, especially when the rest of world is full of heavy talk and racist tweets. Notice her more and say it out loud (to her). Tell him he’s a stud and notice how he’s weirdly good at certain things. It’s not that hard to make a little effort. Laundry is tougher, and you’ve got on clean undies right now, don’t you? Don’t you?!

Early Rise Surprise

Chivalry may have to get dusted off and pulled out of the closet. Things like unexpected breakfasts, freshly-picked flowers, french-braided ponies and simply getting it on might have to get revisited. We recommend not all at once, though.

Go Someplace Fun (For Both Of You)

The problem is probably you — both of you — individually. You’re overworked, stressed about bills, hate your job, your friends are a bunch of twats, and so on. You need a break. The best solution — other than a stay-cation — is nature. My girlfriend says if you can’t find a way to hug each other, at least you can hug a tree. We just broke up.

Remove Social Media Influence

Quit confusing your fake phone life with real life. It’s part of that hip, new micro-cheating fad anyway, unless you work for a company that pays you to post things about pretty girls. That’s totally normal. Just because you follow a girl on Instagram doesn’t mean she knows who the hell you are. Trying to convince her is a waste of your battery and time.

Admit One Secret

I’ve heard it said and now have seen it in HuffPo: getting one secret off your chest gives each of you a chance to know the other person better and open the lines of trust and communication a bit wider. It might also help to know she didn’t kill your goldfish on purpose.

Reset Your Parameters

Relationships change, and so should the structure. What worked before might not work now, but you best believe there better still be banging going on. Or someone’s going to have a cheat day (and not just with gluten).

Let’s Get Nuts!

Maybe your problem is you worry too much and don’t have enough fun. Maybe your real problem is you’re reading this goofy article by a guy who can barely function in real society when you should be going down on your girlfriend as a thank you for walking the dog when you were hungover from drinking like an asshole.

Or, maybe you just need to not take yourself so seriously. Go for hike and lighten up. Strip down to your underpants and parade around like there’s no tomorrow.

It’s Not Me, It’s You

If it’s anyone, it’s you. If you can’t seem to work it out, even given these brilliant suggestions, maybe it’s best you admit that. End it and move on. Or, suck it up and wait for the sweet embrace of death. Your pick.

Then Get Nuts Some More

If you’re still in it after that last one, what do you say? You wanna get nuts?!