12 Kinds Of People You’ll Find At Any Wedding
No matter where you are or what kind of outlandish theme, every wedding has a lot of the same people. Here are a dozen different kinds of people you’ll find at any wedding, and they’re usually the ones you have to look out for, despite how easy they are to find.
Every wedding has the guy who got away (several times). This person has made it their life’s work to never be committed to anything other than a good time.
The Exiled Guy Who Skipped the Bachelor Party
Some assholes get busy, or just get smart about going to Las Vegas. Remember the last time when he ate the pot brownie and couldn’t tell one casino room from the next? Yeah, he’s not coming to your bachelor party. Better seat him alone in the corner with no supper.
The Crying Hopeless Romantic
Pretty much any single girl who wants to be married already is going to be as sad as she is envious, scrolling through her list of phone contacts trying to drum up old love in a failed attempt to be the next bride.
The Happily Married in Public/Miserable in Private Couple
They look so cheerful when they’re together, at least until you drop by for a quick pop-in and they have their hands around each other’s necks screaming “do it!” back and forth until your awkward knock breaks it up.
The Weird Guy Who Moved Away and Came Back and Nobody Noticed
He was there, then he was gone, now he’s back again? Where’d he go? Did he really leave? Do you care? Does anybody care? No, but you’ll get drunk and forget you saw him, and the cycle will continue.
The 86’ed Townie Who Found Out About the Open Bar and Decided to Make an Improv Speech
He isn’t allowed at his usual drinking bowl anymore, so he’s on the prowl looking for new places to make racist, sexist and political slurs. Free booze? That’s his top pick, and he’ll thank the bride and groom by making a horrific speech no one can either comprehend or forget.
The Home Wrecker
This is Casanova’s counterpart, only the two work as independent contractors. Occasionally, they’ll exchange notes, but for the most part they’re too busy destroying marriages and looking a bit too exotic for a wedding.
The Unemployed Guy Eating All the Shrimp
He hasn’t eaten all week. What did you expect with the free jumbo shrimp?
The Sober Friend Using His Pregnant Wife As An Excuse
You’ll try to get your friend to stay out late and make bad decisions with you, strolling the wedding grounds until sunup when you pass out by the pool, but he’ll leave shortly after dinner to pretend nursing a plastic baby as prep for the real deal.
The Guys Who Weren’t Invited Yet Drink the Bar Dry
Who doesn’t want to go to a wedding? It’s free drinks and hot, single girls. It’s like backstage at Aerosmith; you’ll do anything to get there.
The Groomsmen Who Hate Their Outfits
Never has a groomsman said, “I love this jacket you made me wear, so much better than how I would have wanted to dress myself!” Then smile and have your picture taken, again.
The Asshole Friend You Avoided All Year
You were doing so well, but there’s no avoiding it. Surely there won’t be any drama with alcohol involved. Guarantee the first thing out of his mouth is, “Hey, look who decided to show!” And he wonders why you never call.