Let’s talk food.
This is the Super Bowl. It is literally the Super Bowl of parties this year. It is time to step up the chow you normally consume. This is not the time to phone it in for a boring pizza and wings.
The casual fan — both male and female — will be in attendance, after all. Repeat… this is an opportunity to impress single people who are drinking.
But, let’s be honest, you can’t cook. Lucky for you, your Uncle Redd is here to help. I have ‘easier than pie’ recipes that are so uncomplicated that even your caveman culinary crassness can cook.
Seahawks Fans Call it: Thank You Very Much Beastquake
Patriots Fans Call it: Nuked Seachicken Dip
This dish looks like a melted heart attack but sure does taste amazing.
Buy: Four skinless chicken breasts, 2 packages of 8 oz cream cheese, 12 oz ranch dressing, 1 package of shredded cheddar cheese, a bag of chips and your favorite buffalo wing sauce.
Cook and shred the chicken. Throw all of the ingredients in a large pot or slow cooker. Stir often. Serve warm with chips.
Seahawks fans call it: Bam Bam Kam Chancellor Queso
Patriots fans call it: Put a Vince Wilfork in it Queso
I’m stealing this from my Texan finance, so you know it is a legit Tex-Mex recipe. It is easy to make and has a bang that can only be matched by the bad, bad man Kam Chancellor or Vince Wilfork.
Buy: Big box of Velvetta, can of Rotel and two links of chorizo.
(if you can’t find Rotel, but a can of diced tomatoes and a can of green chilis)
Nuke the Velvetta and the microwave for two minutes at a time. Make sure you stir in between. While that is heating, cook up a package of chorizo. Add the chorizo and the Rotel.
Stir and enjoy while warm.
Seahawks fans call it: Jermaine Kearse’s Bacon Tater Bombs
Patriots fans call it: Julian Edelman’s Bacon Tater Bombs
Named for the man who caught the walk-off touchdown, these little nuggets are the diggity bomb, yo. Or, for the Pats’ wideout who may have been a QB all along.
Buy: Bag of tater tots, package of bacon, brown sugar, grated cheddar cheese
Leave the tater tots out for a few hours until they are room temp. Pre-heat your oven to 400 degrees. Use some butter to coat a cookie sheet. Cut the bacon into quarters. Put about quarter-cup of the brown sugar in a small bowl. Wrap each tater tot with the bacon and then dip into the brown sugar until covered. Place lovingly on the cookie sheet (seam down, dummy) and bake 20 minutes, turning at halfway though. Sprinkle the cheese on top and put back until oven until melty.
Seahawks call them: Tom Brady’s Chocolate Deflated Footballs
Patriots call them: Gronkookies.
This requires some baking but the payoff for the joke is worth it.
Buy: Package of Oreo cookies, package of 8 oz. cream cheese, 1 block of chocolate almond bark, small package of frosting, and wax paper. (The last three can be found in baking section).
Leave the cream cheese on counter for a few hours. Crush the Oreos into a crumble. Have fun being a little crushing Gronk. Line a cookie sheet with wax paper. In a large bowl, mix the cream cheese and the cookie crumble.
Grab about a golf ball size of the mixture and roll into a football shape and place on the wax paper. Once filled, place the cookie sheet into the freezer for 1 hour. While in the freezer, take a couple sections of the chocolate almond bark an melt in a bowl in the microwave. Microwave a minute at a time, adding new sections of the bark until all is melted. Dip each frozen ball into the chocolate liquid and put back in the freezer.
After the chocolate is set, add the icing making little football laces.
If you a Seahawk fan, press you thumb to make each football a bit deflated.
Brian Reddoch is a CraveOnline reporter and rabid fan of all teams Seattle. You can follow him on Twitter @ReddReddoch or “like” CraveOnline Sports on Facebook.