Yesterday, in honor of
Monsters University, I presented you, dear readers, with ten totally ridiculous, dumb, or just flat-out crazy movie monsters in the history of cinema. In that article, I talked about marshmallow men, poop demons, giant killer bunnies, a smog monster, and a killer floor lamp (yes, seriously, a killer floor lamp). The list of amazingly ridiculous movie monsters is so extensive, however, that a simple list of ten was not nearly enough. As such, I present you with ten more to round out the article, and make sure all my bases are covered. Even so, I feel like I may be missing a few (it pained me to leave out Attack of the Killer Refrigerator, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Killer Condom, One-Eyed Monster, Basket Case, Jack Frost, The Thing with Two Heads, and several others), so I encourage you to chime in with your favorites. Which movie monsters leave you giggling?
As for me, I have ten more to suggest. Let’s examine the following:
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Ridiculous Monsters 2
Charles Murray's Genitals
Welcome Home Brother Charles (dir. Jamaa Fanaka, 1975)
Presented as a revenge-themed blaxploitation actioner,
Welcome Home Brother Charles (a.k.a. Soul Vengeance) was about a wrongfully-imprisoned black man who was subjected to strange medical experiments while in the clink. Or maybe he was possessed by an unnamed supernatural entity. Either way, when he is released, he goes about murdering people with a monster that is attached to his body: His evil and prehensile living penis. Um... Do I need to say more about this movie?
The Gingerdead Man
The Gingerdead Man (dir. Charles Band, 2005)
Is there anything a dead serial killer won't possess? In
Child's Play, it was a doll. In Jack Frost, it was a snowman. In Ghost in the Machine, it was electricity. And in The Gingerdead Man (bafflingly, the first part of a trilogy) it was a gingerbread cookie. Gary Busey plays a dead murderer whose ashes (along with some human blood) are accidentally mixed into a vat of gingerbread. When he is baked, he springs from the oven ready to wreak havoc again as a living gingerbread man. A small killer monster would be scary if it wasn't an effing cookie! Gary Busey as a killer cookie. The reason we go to the movies.
A Killer Elevator
The Lift (dir. Dick Maas, 1983)
Evil mysteries involving cutting-edge A.I. microchips cause an average apartment elevator to flip out and start killing people. It slams its doors on someone's neck, decapitating them. It nearly suffocates some people. I suppose that some claustrophobic people do have a legitimate fear of being trapped in elevators, but
The Lift doesn't so much tap into those fears as present us with a really, really dumb horror movie about a killer elevator. Just when you thought it was safe to, uh, not take the stairs...
The Stuff (dir. Larry Cohen, 1985)
The Stuff is a clever satire of health crazes and consumer culture, all wrapped in a totally bonkers monster film about killer yogurt from out space. When a meteor containing delicious ooze lands on Earth, a local corporation is quick to package and market it as The Stuff, which quickly becomes the must-have health item of the world's suburban white people. Eventually it is revealed, though, that The Stuff is controlling your mind and eventually turns you into a zombie. The film is wry and fun, although it's hard to get around the notion of a killer dessert topping.
Blood Freak (dirs. Brad F. Grinter and Steve Hawkes, 1972)
A legend in the world of B-movies, and a tribute to gore movie luminary Herschell Gordon Lewis,
Blood Freak is a must see for lovers of bad monster movies. Part drug-laced cautionary tale, part off-the-wall monster revenge flick, Blood Freak follows a biker who is kidnapped by a mad scientist (the father of his would-be girlfriend) who proceeds to turn him into a mutant chicken monster programmed to kill drug dealers. The sight of the chicken head will leave you laughing for days. .
I could use a husky man like you out at my poultry farm
Black Sheep (dir. Jonathan King, 2006)
Based on the real-life statistic that there are several dozen sheep for every human living on the island of New Zealand, this Kiwi horror film turns those sheep – ordinarily such placid creatures – into werewolf-like carnivores eager to consume human flesh. All thanks to a genetics experiment, natch. Not only are the sheep now hungry carnivores, but they also occasionally (and without much reason) turn people into weresheep. Uhh... Okay. I guess that's fun. The tagline: “There are 40 million sheep in New Zealand. AND THEY'RE PISSED OFF.”
A Killer House
Monster House (dir. Gil Kenan, 2006)
We've all seen plenty of haunted house pictures, and we're used to the tropes of malevolent spirits hanging around a specific location to exact revenge on their killers or on any pour soul who waders into their field of vision. What we're not used to is the notion that the house
itself is the monster. 2006's animated kid flick Monster House presented us with a haunted house that was not just the home of ghosts, but wholly alive, using its wood slats and nearby trees and manicured lawn as means of grabbing and swallowing local children. In the finale, the whole house begins chasing our heroes around town. Scary, but kind of odd-looking nonetheless.
Killer Hair Extensions
Exte: Hair Extensions (dir. Shion Sono, 2007)
Ah, vanity. It causes us to do so many ridiculous things to our bodies. We get surgery, wear makeup, and bind various parts of our bodies all in the name of vanity. Is there a way to mine that for horror? Of course, and effectively. Although I'm not sure if a movie about killer hair extensions really qualifies as “effective.” In this Japanese obscurity, a set of hair extensions retain the rage of their previous owner, causing them to lash out and murder anyone they want to from the head of their new owner. Killer hair is, oddly, a common theme in horror movies (John Carpenter made a short film called
Hair, for instance), and it's never scary. It's just baffling.
Rapist Vacuum Cleaner
Over-Sexed Rugsuckers from Mars (dir. Michael Paul Girard, 1989)
Yes, this is a real movie. Made on a budget of about $50,
Over-Sexed Rugsuckers from Mars is about a race of miniature aliens (depicted in awful stop-motion animation) who have returned to Earth after 10 million years (they created humanity, you see), and proceed to possess a few local vacuum cleaners. These are randy aliens, however, and they go about sexually assaulting the film's heroine. Watching a vacuum cleaner raping someone is a pretty hard sight to sit through. Although it's not as mind-blowing as watching the woman give birth to the vacuum cleaner's progeny in the middle of a courtroom.
Movie: The Mangler (dir. Tobe Hooper, 1995)
Okay, let's say you're a demon. You're hanging out in Hell, thinking evil thoughts, and trying to come up with a way to claim human souls on Earth, maybe drink some virgin blood, and generally kill and cause mayhem. You travel as electricity, and you can possess stuff. What would you possess? I might go after a tank or a chainsaw or something, but the demon in
The Mangler chooses to possess a gigantic steam-powered laundry press, run in the backwaters of a small American town. Actually, there is a long explanation as to how a laundry mangle became possessed, but that's not enough to offset the notion that it's a killer laundry press. Yes, people get sucked into the big ol' machine and get pressed to death. What a joy.