Have you ever been sitting alone in your darkened room while the wind roared from outside your window, and the trees cast ghoulish shadows across your bedroom wall? Have you ever felt the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end as strange thumping noises echoed from your attic? Have you ever taken a vacation to a log cabin in the middle of the woods and worried that the lampshades were made of human flesh?
If so, you may unknowingly be starring in a horror movie. Here are 5 top tips to ensure your survival.
You may find yourself overwhelmed by the inexplicable urge to tell your cohorts to hold back while you head into the abandoned factory/mineshaft/Indian burial ground alone and unarmed, but by doing so your chances of being beheaded are increased by around 95%. Think of it like the Titanic; let the women and children go first.
Unfortunately, if you happen to be African-American chances are that you aren’t expected to last until the end credits. All knife-wielding maniacs coincidentally happen to be inherently racist, so you’re going to need to watch your back a lot more than the likes of Zak, Cody and Stacey, who despite having spent the past 2 hours doing nothing but dry-hump each other, still manage to survive.
Along with sensing the whereabouts of black people, horror villains can also sense the whereabouts of complete and utter dickheads. If you’re an unnecessarily arrogant guy with a penchant for bullying and misogyny, chances are you’ll soon be staring at your own intestines.
Look. You’re in the middle of a horror movie. If you hear a strange noise coming from the basement, it’s not a f***ing pigeon. It’s a masked murderer who’s after your blood and is probably already standing right behind you, wondering why you’re on your iPhone reading this article when there’s a masked murderer in your house.
I know that you think you might have a shot with that girl you met an hour ago who is now missing, but let’s be honest: by the time you’ve rescued her, you’ll have already been responsible for 4 of your fellow companions deaths, and witnessed so much blood and gore that you’ll have the dead-eyed stare of a shell-shocked ‘Nam vet. If you leave her and get to safety like you originally planned chances are she’ll survive anyway, as she’s the only name on the poster for this shitty horror film that anybody recognises.
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Note: This article was originally published in October, 2011, but has been republished with edits.