Witches have come a long way from pointy-hatted hags with warts on their nose. These days the typical witch is a total sexpot… and generally wart-free (although the hat is still kinda cute). Season of the Witch comes out on DVD on June 28th, and in it Nicolas Cage finds himself chaperoning an evil witch through the dark woods so she can meet her doom. And naturally, once again, she’s a total fox. Claire Foy is one damned cute witch, but frankly she could use a bath in that movie so we started thinking about all the other hot witches in movie and TV history. So here it is: Crave Online’s list of The Sexiest Witches in Movies and TV!
10. SARAH JESSICA PARKER IN ‘HOCUS POCUS’
Some people don’t like the way Sarah Jessica Parker looks these days, but you have to admit that there was a time when she was smoking hot. Like this picture right here. See that smoke? All her, baby. In Kenny Ortega’s 1993 Disney film, a coven of witches is lynched in Salem and return 300 years later to exact their revenge. The operative word in that sentence is ‘Disney,’ since the film amounts to little more than fish-out-of-water jokes and an excuse to see a supernaturally hot young Sarah Jessica Parker bounce around the screen, scorned by her less-attractive lady friends, played by Bette Midler and Kathy Najimy. To put it another way, she’s Elizabeth Hasselbeck by way of Hot Topic. And the operative word in that sentence is… hot.
9. MONICA BELLUCCI IN ‘THE BROTHERS GRIMM’
It’s Monica Bellucci. Of course she’s on the list. In Terry Gilliam’s underrated little trifle of an action fantasy, Matt Damon and the late Heath Ledger play The Brothers Grimm who, before they realized their true vocation in life, roamed the countrysides defeating fairy tale monsters for victimized townsfolk. The catch is that they’re just con men, inventing the monsters and then kicking their ass easily because, well, they don’t exist. Monica Bellucci plays an evil queen whose experiments in witchcraft gave her both immortality and eternal youth… but only in the mirror. She needs the blood of twelve young girls to make herself eternally young, and frankly we’re not inclined to stop her because, dude, Monica Bellucci forever. Bellucci also played another hot evil witch in last year’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, which gives her the bonus points necessary to make up for what she looks like outside of the mirror in The Brothers Grimm.
8. MELISSA JOAN HART IN ‘SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH’
Like many a lad, we’ve had a crush on Melissa Joan Hart since way back in the Clarissa Explains It All days, back when we were age appropriate. We didn’t have to worry about that in Sabrina, The Teenage Witch, which found a then 20-something Hart playing the beloved Archie comic book character. Yeah, she was no longer a teenager, but we’re not complaing because… Well, Melissa Joan Hart. Call us crazy, but we never knew that Sabrina was so damned hot. Now, we’re way too cool to admit to actually watching a TGIF sitcom, but… Dude, Melissa Joan Hart. Melissa Joan Hart.
7. ALYSON HANNIGAN AND AMBER BENSON IN ‘BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER’
Willow and Tara were unique creations back when Buffy the Vampire Slayer first aired. Oh sure, we’d seen hot witches before. Even lesbian witches were a familiar concept already. ‘Tasteful’ lesbian witches was completely new. The beautiful couple of conjurers met and fell in love in Season Four of Buffy, and yet we never even saw them kiss on-screen until halfway through Season Five, a far cry from the “Look, Lesbian Kiss!” marketing gimmicks of the era from the likes of Ally McBeal. Despite their semi-mousy natures, both Hannigan and Benson are of course both gorgeous individuals with a sexy but classy Wiccan style that evolved naturally throughout the series. Things did not go well for them in the end, but until then they were together they were among the most positive portrayals of homosexuality on television… and smoking hot to boot.
6. NICOLE KIDMAN AND SANDRA BULLOCK IN ‘PRACTICAL MAGIC’
There are some who think that Griffin Dunne’s 1998 comedy Practical Magic is the most thinly veiled lesbian allegory since Gertrude Stein referred to Alice B. Toklas as her ‘traveling partner’ while going through customs. There others who think that it’s just not a very good movie. They’re right, but if this list was based on quality alone there’s no way that numbers 10, 9 or 3 would be on it either. Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman, both at the height of their hotness, play Gillian and Sally, both closeted witches living with their aunts Frances and Jet (Stockard Channing and Dianne Wiest). Kidman’s the outgoing type, but in movies ‘outgoing’ usually translates to ‘on the run’ since her jerkwad boyfriend soon winds up dead. Bullock helps her cover it up, but it’s a movie about witches so naturally he’s only mostly dead. It’s not terribly clever and features one of those late-90’s “Dancing Around The House Lip-Syncing To Pop Songs” scenes we all grew to hate so much, but no matter. Kidman’s hot. Bullock’s hot. Shut up.
5. THE CAST OF ‘CHARMED’
Oh Charmed… We didn’t watch you. We looked at you, sure, but even though you were on for eight flipping seasons we can’t remember a single thing about your show except that Alyssa Milano was hot, Rose McGowan was hot, Hollie Marie Combs was hot in a slightly unconventional way and Shannon Doherty was still pretty hot. Apparently they all played sisters gifted with supernatural abilities and… solved murders or something? We think we remember a vampire once. We don’t remember. We were too busy looking to watch, but man… What a view.
4. HELEN MIRREN IN ‘EXCALIBUR’
Historically speaking, Morgana le Fay is one of the all time greatest witches. Contemporarily speaking, Helen Mirren is one of the all time greatest hotties. She’s 65 years old now, and still kinda hot. So imagine what she looked like when she was young! Oh wait, you don’t have to. You can watch Excalibur (or Caligula, or Age of Consent, or O Lucky Man! and so on, but she wasn’t a witch in any of those so screw ’em). Mirren plays Morgana as a sexy young viper of a woman, intending to seduce Merlin and learn his magic. And when that fails, she settles for seducing her half-brother Arthur (Nigel Terry) and stealing his kingdom. Yeah, that’s pretty ‘Ew,’ but one look at Mirren as Morgana le Fay and you’d consider doing some pretty unnatural things too… if only she’d ask.
3. KELLY HU IN ‘THE SCORPION KING’
Chuck Russell’s 2002 prequel to the hit Mummy movies played like a long episode of Xena: Warrior Princess: Campy, but hoot filled. Maybe even a hoot and a half. Dwayne Johnson made the headlines as ‘The Rock’ garnered his first starring role, but it’s Kelly Hu as a beyond sexy witch that stole our hearts. And loins. Hu, who had would later co-star in X2: X-Men United as the unnecessarily silent Lady Deathstrike, plays ‘The Sorceress’ (sorceress, witch… splitting hairs, really) who works for the evil villain as his prognosticator of the future. He wants her sexually, but there’s a curse that says she’ll lose her powers as soon as she loses her virginity. Johnson has no problem with that, we soon discover (nudge-nudge), and you can’t blame him. Hu is devastatingly attractive and gets tons of skimpy outfits and “Damn It, Her Hair Is Covering Her Boobs” shots. Curse you, PG-13 rating! CURSE YOU!!!
2. ALL THE LADIES IN ‘THE CRAFT’
Witches. Schoolgirl outfits. Oh, thank you mid-1990’s! Hot babes Robin Tunney, Neve Campbell, Fairuza Balk and Rachel True star as a group of goths who delve into the dark arts for personal gain. Naturally, they go a little nuts with it. When Balk starts putting the ‘dark’ back in ‘Dark Arts’ it’s up to Robin Tunney to… You know what? It ends in an epic supernatural catfight between Tunny and Balk, and it’s full of sexy witches acting all confident and hot. They had us at ‘schoolgirl outfits.’
1. ELVIRA IN ‘ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK’
Just look at Cassandra Peterson… -‘s breasts. God, how we loved her. Still do. Peterson’s TV persona Elvira, previously limited to merely hosting horror movies on her popular series Elvira’s Movie Macabre, pounced onto the big screen like the sexy cat she was, bringing a goofy sense of humor and a “It Was Before Hot Topic So It Was Cool” fashion sense. Elvira played, well, Elvira, a TV hostess whose Aunt dies and leaves her a spooky house, a creepy dog and a cookbook, which she doesn’t realize is actually an ancient, all powerful tome of spells. As she flounces about the city, liberating the taste and sexuality of a small town completely unprepared for her unbridled… bridle, she eventually comes into her own and saves the community from her evil warlock uncle. Also, she had fabulous gazongas. Sorry. We’re guys. She’s hot. What are you going to do? Curse us?