No More Snow Days And Other Ways Adults Are Ruining Kids’ Lives Today

Photo: Paul Biris (Getty Images)

As much as many of us dread the thought of a blistering, cold, winter snowfall, let’s not forget what a winter storm means for kids: a “snow day.”

Remember how exciting it was to wake up on an early January morning and see a stack of snow on your driveway followed by an announcement on TV that “school is canceled?” Few things in life, aside from a beach-side margarita or that first back pop from your chiropractor, bring that kind of unbridled joy. Unfortunately, one school district in Maine is trying to suck away all that childhood bliss with a new measure that would make students study from home when snowed in.

According to the Bangor Daily News, school officials in the Five Town Community School District have started a “pilot project” that will replace snow days with “remote school days.”

“Instead of frolicking all day in the snow when winter weather makes roads unsafe for school bus travel, students will be expected to complete assigned work online or work on projects that would be due when they return to their classrooms.”

There’s so much snow and ice that the teachers can’t even get to school, yet the students are expected to do homework instead of building snowmen or making fun of their parents on Snapchat? Brutal.

And to make matters worse, this type of program has already been kickstarted in a few other states as well. There’s no question that mandates like this are a form of child abuse. And it’s not the only form of un-chartered injustices our kids face today.

Totes Adorbs: 21 Childhood Photos Of Famous Comedians

1. No More “Super Size Me”

When we were kids, you could walk into any McDonald’s and all it took was three words to turn your value meal into fast-food Hulkamania. But thanks to Morgan Spurlock’s 2004 documentary Super Size Me, kids today don’t know the gluttonous joy of ordering a giant vat of fries and a 72-ounce soda for the cost of a new Drake single on iTunes. Thanks, Morgan.

2. Parental Controls

When we were kids, all it took to see TV-MA content was a friend that had HBO. Now, everything from TV guide menus to computers is password protected. How are kids supposed to learn anything these days? Read? Thanks, technology.

3. Car-Tracking Apps

There are a scary number of new car-tracking apps that can send a plethora of data directly to your smartphone. So if a teen is out cruising, the parental units will instantly know their location, speed, and driving performance. Long gone are the days of drag racing with friends, burning out in the local parking lot, or car-surfing like Teen Wolf. Thanks again, technology.

No Thanks: Ranking The 10 Childhood Activities That Would Cause Severe Injury If You Tried Them Today

4. You Can’t Find Fruit Stripe Anywhere

Unless you come across this epic pack of gum at a nostalgic flea market or your 5-year-old has a credit card for online orders, kids today simply don’t know the overwhelming, delicious flavor explosion from a stick of Fruit Stripe that prefaces the instant disappointment of the lack in length for which the sugar blast lasts. If that’s not a metaphor for adulthood, we don’t know what is. Thanks, whoever decided to stop carrying awesome kids’ gum.

Let’s pray things turn around soon, including the decision to keep snow days. It’s time to make childhood great again!

Josh Helmuth is a sports reporter in St. Louis who contributes to Mandatory. He will change his mind on nearly every aspect of his article the second he has a child.