Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / @OctopusCavemann (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 5-4-18
I love the official poster with the drawings made by the actors of the movie, I call it Art pic.twitter.com/GWJ6HZxYxo
— isa/ I SAW INFINITY WAR (@hollandftmarvel) May 2, 2018
Calling Buffalo Wild Wings “bdubs”
— Things White Folks Like (@Things4WhitePpl) May 3, 2018
When I have no idea how to comfort my friends but I try anyway pic.twitter.com/nhV4ms1Sc1
— give carly rae jepsen a sword (@nicksparks94) April 25, 2018
Lebron + Owen Wilson’s “Wow” is amazing pic.twitter.com/NFXAgNqEL0
— The Fake ESPN (@TheFakeESPN) May 2, 2018
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
— Consider John frazzled (@FrazzleMyGimp) May 1, 2018
Jesus Christ Disney, stop pic.twitter.com/SWYEXuJfLO
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) May 1, 2018
Just overheard a little boy call rhinos ‘warrior unicorns’ and my mind is blown
— Rebecca Gladstone (@rgladstone91) April 21, 2018
Here’s Rudy Giuliani’s face photoshopped onto a bunch of cold cuts for no reason. pic.twitter.com/OmZJL6FavE
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) May 3, 2018
its cool when you see a tweet that has 130k retweets but that person still has like 300 followers. soooo many people looked at that person’s account and were like nah
— jon hendren (@fart) April 30, 2018
Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where’s the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds? pic.twitter.com/iH9R1FmhjQ
— Brandon Vaughn (@Brandamonium) May 3, 2018
Twitter, you’ve done it again: The Funniest Meme To Come From ‘Avengers: Infinity War’ Spoils The Ending
Therapist: What’s wrong?
Me: If I do the Borat voice once more, I’ll be getting a divorce
Therapist: And who told you that?
Me: *tearfully clears throat*
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) April 30, 2018
This is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in my life pic.twitter.com/6ZMVAB3HfS
— sadelyn (@sadelynnnn) May 2, 2018
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
— Jac Rayner (@GirlFromBlupo) April 6, 2018
Um, they prefer the term “goth” pic.twitter.com/YlKPOihjZv
— yeah ok (@poutinesmoothie) February 6, 2018
[Invention of the tuba]
I want to hear farts but not smell them
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCavemann) May 1, 2018
could I BE stealing any more infinity stones pic.twitter.com/0OfmcmPl4f
— elv (@_ElvishPresley_) May 2, 2018
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) April 20, 2018
if anyone wants to know how drunk my boyfriend was last night pic.twitter.com/XHLagOLMC1
— tricia n (@makeesomenoyes) April 21, 2018
what if u spelled jeff like jephph
— dirt prince (@pants_leg) March 31, 2018
Will they let you buy one of these if you’ve ever been kind to someone pic.twitter.com/FtNTgE8vDh
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) April 28, 2018