22 Life Hacks For Assholes
1. Sleep at work with your head down as if you’re praying. If caught, raise your head and say, “In Jesus’ name, amen.” Your boss will be too paranoid of legal ramifications to yell at you.
2. Wear military insignia at a country bar to get free drinks all night.
3. If you’re too scared to walk up to that hot girl and ask her out, picture her immediately after eating tainted Taco Bell, sweating bullets on the can.
4. Avoid work by telling your boss that your brother recently came out of the closet and you need to support him while he informs your parents. If you need to skip another day, tell your boss your father broke both your brother’s legs and you’re in the hospital with him.
5. Place parking cones around your vehicle while illegally parked. Authorities will assume other authorities put them there.
6. Go to a hippie concert and sell brownies for $10 a pop. The hippies will think they’re filled with pot. An hour later when they feel nothing, you will be long gone, counting your money (and they won’t call the cops because they’re the stoners).
7. If you’re drinking and driving (ice cold sodas, of course) and don’t have a pesky bottle opener, use a seat belt.
8. Walk next to a minority if you’re shoplifting. When the alarm goes off, guess who they’re going to check?
9. Strap on a SARS mask whenever you use public transportation. No one will want to sit next to you, and you can avoid their germs, as well.
10. Too poor to buy a grill? Steal a shopping cart.
11. Right before a huge test, email everyone in class. Tell them you’ve created a masterful study guide and that you’d like to compare notes. Once you’ve gotten theirs, mysteriously disappear.
12. If you’ve hit a parked car, get out and write a note on the hood that says, “If I was your boyfriend I’d never let you go, I can show you things you ain’t never seen before. Swaggy.” Everyone in the vicinity will assume you’re writing a note like a responsible citizen, when in reality, you’re writing lyrics to a Justin Bieber song.
13. When you’re having a rough day and you’d like to blow off some steam, flip off a baby. The baby can’t fight back, and the gesture is cathartic.
14. Save on cleaning supplies by rubbing your cat on the floors of your home.
15. Visit Costco and hit up the free samples. Double back three or four times because the servers are usually decrepit old ladies who won’t remember you.
16. To avoid paying for parking, walk to the entrance before you get into your car and press the button for a new ticket. When exiting, insert the new ticket into the slot. Unless there’s some Johnny Law parking attendant watching your every move, you get free parking.
17. Remaining silent is one of the most effective ways to get information out of someone. If that doesn’t work, waterboard them.
18. Always carry fart spray in your car. In the case that you get pulled over by a cop, tell him you have IBS. If he doesn’t budge, while he’s back in his cruiser entering your information, pull out a jar of Nutella and rub it on your fingers as proof. Say, “Please, officer, please,” while holding your stomach. He’ll let you off. If he doesn’t, he’s Satan in the flesh.
19. If you’re in a crowded bar and there’s no place to sit, hit on a hot girl. Tell her that you like the way she smells and that she has a pretty mouth. She will leave, and you can take her seat.
20. Enter every fruit as bananas at self-checkout machines. Bananas are the cheapest by a huge margin, and self-checkout machines don’t have eyes.
21. Tell your mother that your voicemail is broken. This can save you hours per week.
22. Don’t pay for textbooks. Use Google.