Twitter is a great place to get up to the minute news, sports scores, find out what your friends are doing, and watch people reveal deep, revealing tales of their sex lives in the most hilarious ways possible. Here are 43 very funny people sharing tales of their sex life in 140 characters or less. Enjoy!
*whispers in your ear during sex* technically Wolverine has died several times, most recently in issue 756
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 1, 2014
Dylan owns 6 swords. To calculate how often Dylan has had sex, multiply the number of swords he owns by the number zero
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) November 17, 2012
face down ass up left right left right b a start
— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) January 13, 2013
If my boobs hurt my first thought is that I’m maybe pregnant and my second thought is that I maybe closed them in the oven door again.
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) October 2, 2012
Sometimes I wonder if I’m pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant
— Merry Cocoa (@MaryKoCo) November 5, 2012
I have no sympathy for grooms who worry “this is the only vagina I’ll have for the rest of my life.” I live that nightmare every day.
— Maggie Mull (@IAmMaggieMull) May 16, 2014
Vaginas are like gyms. I’m rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I’m doing and hope no one notices I don’t.
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) March 1, 2015
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
— chuuch (@ch000ch) September 1, 2014
guys, i love havin sex, and… parrot behind me interrupts: “SQUAWK im gonna tell my friends ive had sex SQUAWK i hope they believe me”
— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) July 24, 2013
Girls who quote Marilyn Monroe poke holes in condoms.
— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) July 3, 2012
Cop: Sir, you were going 69 in a 65 *Exhales cigarette* All I do is 69 *Cop high fives me* You’re free to go sir
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) March 24, 2014
I wouldn’t say I “enjoy” sex so much as I “let the pursuit of it control my life”.
— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) March 31, 2012
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it’s not.
— Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) August 21, 2013
Son, it’s time I told you about the Applebirds and the Applebee’s. *pumps a mozzarella stick through an onion ring until we get kicked out*
— ghost mom (@radtoria) August 21, 2015
Bucket list: give head while wearing the glasses w/ the googley eyes on springs, keep apologizing and putting them back in as they fall out.
— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) November 26, 2012
[high school sex ed class] *scoffs* When are we ever going to use this in real life
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) January 25, 2015
Daaaamn girl is your name Katrina because my lower 9th just flooded
— Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) February 7, 2013
made a spreadsheet of all the muppets I think fucked each other pic.twitter.com/zo39cyZcsy
— i watched hostel 3 (@ruinedpicnic) February 13, 2015
We can’t have sex until I see you around a bee
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) August 30, 2015
My apartment is so hot John Mayer just lazily fingered it while yawning.
— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) August 30, 2012
Pick Your Favorite Sex Position: ️doggy style ️missionary ️girl on top ️reverse cowgirl just happy to be here
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 25, 2015
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza
— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) July 31, 2012
Sext: I HAND U A PANINI AND U OPEN IT UP 2 SEE THE COMMAND “ORGASM” WRITTEN IN THOUSAND ISLAND. U GRIP THE EDGE OF THE FORMICA COUNTERTOP
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) June 6, 2011
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
— Handsome Tweet Guy (@SortaBad) August 5, 2014
most people dont even know why 69 is funny they just laugh so they dont feel weird. its basically a sex number though, thats why i laugh
— deg (@degg) June 21, 2012
A great alternative to Tinder is entering every room screaming, “Does anyone want to bang?!” It also has more dignity.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) December 5, 2014
my fav sex move pic.twitter.com/6k1rkFB0XA
— Natalie Mooney (@nataliejmooney) January 26, 2014
Sex is like a hot dog. I haven’t had a hot dog in a long time. Please someone give me a hotdog
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) November 23, 2015
I’ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes while she takes a fucking nap.
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) April 19, 2012
sext: i am skinny and very cold. you somehow mistake my shivering for twerking & are impressed. your standards are low. i like that.
— Jeff Pussy (@lil_escher) May 22, 2012
ONE IF BY LAND AND TWO IN THE PINK
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) January 8, 2014
PORN IS BIASED. Either MILF or 18. What about postgrad w/ bad credit who drives Subaru to 1pm matinees? No one wants to jerk off to that?
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) November 10, 2012
Are there glory holes for just holding hands?
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) April 8, 2013
Bob, I’m gonna need you to draw me two dinosaurs having butt sex. “Sure thi–wait, why?” Uh, ever hear of GOD’S PLAN? pic.twitter.com/vXgzGd5C5x
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) December 12, 2014
I did that Varsity Blues whipped cream bikini to a guy once but my jugs are so big that he got too full and starting vomiting everywhere.
— Spirit Ghost (@haha_what) July 6, 2013
I slept with this guy and left him SO speechless, he hasn’t been able to call or text since. Still got it!
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) August 19, 2012
I’d like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please. “Sir, that is a sleeping bag” *winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) October 18, 2013
Doggy style means you get a treat afterwards, yeah?
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) May 7, 2012
Don’t tell anybody, but I think about Melissa Etheridge sanding a cabinet when I have sex with my bf.
— Marie Colette (@MarieColette) August 9, 2012
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 30, 2015
its still funny to me that guys figured out a way to fuck boobs
— Cornell Reid (@CornellReid) February 23, 2011
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) September 10, 2012
Me: Will you stay with me till I fall asleep? Him: Ma’am, please just take your pizza
— moody monday (@mdob11) September 26, 2013
