This Week’s 20 Funniest Tweets
Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing
— Megan Kelly Dunn (@megankcomedy) September 25, 2015
Hi I’m Tristan, the toothless magician, and let me answer what most of you are probably wondering: no, I cannot make my teeth appear.
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) November 18, 2015
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) November 20, 2015
cornflakes is the best cereal that also sounds like a farmer’s skin disease
— reverend scott (@ruinedpicnic) November 28, 2015
The enemy of my enemy is also my enemy, can’t have too many enemies.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) March 30, 2015
[Rapper just destroys me w/ his verse] ME: [takes mic] Oh yeah, mm. Listen I barely cried at all. & the amount that I peed was pretty small
— Alone Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) November 28, 2015
1st date: I love the spiderman movies Me: So do I [thinking of something to say to impress her] Me: I used to be a spider
— AnOnion (@onion_an) November 27, 2015
— ethan e (@JetiJig) January 11, 2015
Make sure to specify that you “hate liars” in your dating profile, so you only have honest people contact you.
— The Guy (@theguydf) December 4, 2015
i don’t get a lot of celeb lookalikes but i do get “you don’t look so sick anymore.” yknow who else looks not sick. famous hot models
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) November 23, 2015
My life is just like a Disney movie, one time I ate spaghetti in an alley
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) March 6, 2015
If the new Star Wars is good, I’ll watch it five times and if it’s bad I’ll watch it three times
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 26, 2015
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
— Z_Kit (@Zombie_Kitv2) January 22, 2015
[job fair, Starbucks booth] Rep: Interested in a career w/Starbucks? Whats ur name Brian. Ryland? Brian. Vibrant? Brian Nylon Br…
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) October 22, 2015
operators are standing by. they are standing. by. standing right by you. you are surrounded by operators.
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) August 12, 2015
[on date] *pulls out her chair* *orders for her* *eats her food* Sorry, I’m REALLY old fashioned.
— Robo-saurus️ (@ewfeez) March 18, 2015
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
— sicily (@toomanytoes) July 1, 2015
— L S V (@The__Tactician) November 26, 2015
[driving by Toys R Us] 5-year-old: What does that sign say? Me: Boring Calculator Store.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.