Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
When you’re in witness protection but want to go to the ballgame pic.twitter.com/S5nez5mzhH
— Dan McQuade (@dhm) September 10, 2015
Forget Jurassic World, my buddy Trab runs Gator Town in Fort Lauderdale, you can punch a gator for thirty bucks. No questions asked.
— viney (@vineyille) June 14, 2015
[me as a DJ] Where my single ladies at? *drunk responses* This one’s for you *turns off music, serious tone* This is a bad place to meet men
— Jennuflect (@Jennuflect) September 18, 2015
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) June 15, 2015
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) September 18, 2015
when u know the dark lord will rise again pic.twitter.com/kK7HuGyqcD
— priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) September 10, 2015
— Mark Brown (@britishgaming) September 17, 2015
When they get the thumbs up from the Big Man to make you Pope, is there like orientation? Or do you just know how to Pope from Day One?
— Lon Harris (@Lons) September 19, 2015
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) September 15, 2015
my parents r actually on drugs or something pic.twitter.com/lt9MiwOi99
— Emily Musson (@emilymusson) September 8, 2015
Wow, I don’t think Chlamydia and Gonorrhea were very good names for those other apps. pic.twitter.com/MCLztfqY0v
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) September 18, 2015
Excuse me, sir, we all get sad sometimes but you need to keep your eyes on the road pic.twitter.com/QCmvjQcA5L
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) August 20, 2015
ME: Haha you can tell them any name and they have to say it BARISTA: I have a latte for “A Person Who Deserves Love”? ME [crying]: Hahaha
— Eat Wood (@therealeatwood) August 12, 2015
Just noticed how well the Obama logo works for Trump with some simple color changes and rotation. pic.twitter.com/1r91SeXTDx
— Matthew Gordon (@ratherironic) September 2, 2015
Any house can be a lighthouse if you’re into arson
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) September 15, 2015
[sounds of vibrator in the background] ME: honey? Linda…you still scrapbooking?
— crapunzel (@Karate_Horse) June 3, 2015
This guy subtweeted his wife on this account for a year and then they worked it out and he gave it to a new husband pic.twitter.com/6b49VSBrdV
— xXxENYAxFANxXx420 (@michaeljhudson) September 20, 2015
My follow through with “tell them I said hi” is like 0%.
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) August 29, 2015
[bride tearfully reading her vows] “And when you commented ‘Nice pic haha’ on my Instagram, that’s when I knew
— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) August 22, 2015
— mercutio (@wokemom) August 29, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.