Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Donald Trump is what happens when you tell a child all his ideas are special.
— side-eye spice (@goldengateblond) August 7, 2015
My mom be putting ordinary shit into other shit. We don’t need this for listerine. I feel like I’m in Harry Potter pic.twitter.com/DaqIPSguwC
— D (@DrakoTsunami) August 15, 2015
I stayed with a woman I didn’t like for 2 years just because she would text me back quickly.
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) July 31, 2015
My life is just like a Disney movie, one time I ate spaghetti in an alley
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) March 6, 2015
I wish real daycare were like Pokémon daycare and you could just leave your kids there until they grow strong enough to be useful.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 16, 2015
I posted the word MOIST in Comic Sans all around the graphic design school next door pic.twitter.com/pqWv1MIcGO
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) August 19, 2015
When mom makes you go to church but you’re still metal pic.twitter.com/Yghnaw8iPa
— Goth Ms. Frizzle (@spookperson) May 17, 2015
person: I like you me: that doesn’t work for me other person: I hate you me: YOU. I’m going to focus on you
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) August 15, 2015
Responding to internet trolls is like organizing your underwear drawer. Feels good for a second and then you ask yourself WHY DID I DO THAT?
— Chloe Dykstra (@skydart) August 17, 2015
classical music sounds really fancy and proper for something composed by guys who threw a bucket of their turds out the window every morning
— Learned Hort (@crushingbort) August 13, 2015
kind of lame that you have to be a stripper before anyone will put money in your cleavage
— (maura) (@behindyourback) August 14, 2015
[ouija board] “helo??” ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ… “shh its working” ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ… “omg” ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ… “dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) August 16, 2015
CHOPPED HOST: ur basket ingredients are urine, confetti, toothpaste, & doorknobs ME: [to the camera] when i saw the doorknobs i was like wtf
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 14, 2015
“I have to cancel” should be prefaced with “You’re welcome” instead of “Sorry.”
— Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) July 31, 2015
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
— dream ghoul (@Jade_VK) April 6, 2015
Me: goodnight kids Kids: goodnight dad Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) August 15, 2015
FOUR STAGES OF LOSING MY KEYS 1. Can’t find keys 2. Accuse everyone around me of taking my keys 3. Find keys 4. Apologize for key witchhunt
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 20, 2015
“Quit it, Bryce.” “No you quit it.” pic.twitter.com/TwOPDPeq7Z
— philippe iujvidin (@philyuck) June 21, 2015
I feel like every afternoon before a concert, Taylor Swift yells out from the makeup chair “BRING ME [insert celebrity name here]!”
— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) August 16, 2015
COP:Ur husband was drafting a tweet when the car crashed. It said “bear astronaut” WIFE:*weeping*It sounds like it wouldve been really funny
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) August 18, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.