What Xbox One Owners Should Do Now That Quantum Break is Coming to the PC

Microsoft ruined the sanctity of their marriage with Xbox One owners after announcing that Quantum Break, which was previously touted as an exclusive for the console, would be releasing on PC, too. This revelation led a number of Xbox One owners to post some very angry messages online, because it just isn’t fair that they’re being forced to share their toys.

But if you’re one of the Xbox One owners who feels affronted by Microsoft’s decision, then I’ve handily compiled a list of tips you can utilize in order to move past your frustration. Here’s what angry Xbox One owners should do now that Quantum Break is coming to the PC:


Tip 1: Reconsider your priorities

The first plausible step for you to take is to search deep inside yourself for another much more pertinent issue that you could instead be worrying about. While it is undoubtedly enviable that your life is seemingly so devoid of problems that a game going multi-platform angers you, it’s probably not healthy, and is certainly not indicative of a sound and reasoned mind. Your frustrations could be understandable if Microsoft were forcibly prising Quantum Break from out of your clammy hands, but instead they are simply giving it to another group of people to enjoy, too. Perhaps this makes you feel as though your decision to purchase an Xbox One has been invalidated as a result of this decision, but if you’ve dropped $300 on a console solely to play Quantum Break, then I’d argue that it is you who is at fault for being fiscally irresponsible in the first place.


Tip 2: Console yourself by playing another Xbox One game

Despite its shaky launch Microsoft has steadily transformed the Xbox One into a genuinely great console, complete with its own range of excellent exclusive titles. While it’s uncertain whether any of these games will help you to forget Microsoft’s betrayal of your trust, they should hopefully distract you long enough so that you’ll refrain from polluting the Internet with your shitty opinions. I’d personally recommend the 100+ hour adventure of Fallout 4.


Tip 3: Tweet Phil Spencer to tell him how upset you are

Image Credit: Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

No sensible person aligns themselves with a brand, because brands are faceless entities managed by billionaires who rightly couldn’t give two shits about your petty feelings, and whose job it is to funnel as much money out of you as possible in order to line their own pockets. That isn’t a bad thing; it’s just the way the world works. But individuals who actively participate in the idolization of corporations are solely responsible for the continued propagation of the most dull conversation currently taking place on the Internet: the PS4 vs. Xbox One debate.

No one cares about whether or not you prefer the PS4 or Xbox One outside of Sony and Microsoft, and even then those companies can glean no reasonable information from your mad ramblings in the N4G comments section. As soon as your fingers hit your keyboard and begin typing “Sony fanboy,” you become a lone red wood falling in the forest but with no one around to hear you. Few will care about anything you’ll type after those two words, and those who do aren’t worth talking to anyway.

But with that being said, if you’re the kind of person who finds yourself actually getting angry at the notion of people who don’t own an Xbox One playing the same games as you, then you’re likely already beyond help. This means that you might as well go ahead and send Head of Xbox Phil Spencer a tweet, given that he’s currently fielding messages from imbeciles regarding Quantum Break‘s PC release, telling him how upset you are now that you’ve now got one less piece of ammunition in your dick-swinging contest with PS4 owners.


Tip 4: Don’t worry about it, it’s not releasing on Steam anyway

If you’re upset that Quantum Break is releasing on PC, it’s likely due to you not wanting other people to play a game that was previously only scheduled to release on Xbox One, but fear not! For Quantum Break won’t be releasing on Steam, with Microsoft instead restricting its sale to the Windows 10 Store. This means that no one will play it on PC anyway!


Tip 5: Consider a new hobby

Image Credit: Michael Steele / Getty Images

Video games are here to entertain you, and while the industry certainly has issues that are worth discussing, more people being able to play one specific game isn’t one of them. If you feel that this is an issue, then you do not deserve video games. This is because you are the selfish Player One of the industry; the guy who, when he was a youngster, probably hogged the controller whenever friends visited his family home, and who didn’t abide by the unwritten rule that you should always pass the controller to the next person whenever you die. You’re the kid who no one ever wanted to play with, and now you’re extending your selfish vitriol beyond your childhood bedroom and onto Twitter instead. This is why you should change hobbies and try out badminton instead.

Badminton is an inoffensive sport that, while being pretty fun, has never been able to garner even a modicum of popularity. Even in the Olympics, where ludicrous and completely useless sports are celebrated, badminton is thoroughly overlooked. No one has ever celebrated winning a gold medal in badminton aside from those who won the medal, and even then you’d have to imagine that they’re still disappointed they weren’t good enough to play tennis. Badminton is therefore a perfect sport for the kind of individual who is angered by Quantum Break‘s PC release, because no matter what controversy plagues the sport in the future, no one else on Earth is going to care.

It could be discovered that 90% of the world’s professional badminton players are extra-terrestrial lifeforms beamed down with the sole purpose of whacking a shuttlecock back and forth, but because of the complete and utter ambivalence to the sport, it wouldn’t even make it into the top 20 trending topics of the day.  If you were irate about the Quantum Break news, then drop video games and pick up badminton instead, because no matter how vehement you may become about the sport, your joyless bleating will reach an audience of approximately zero people, meaning that the rest of us can carry on having fun without distraction.


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