Zac Efron’s ‘We Are Your Friends’ Is Everything You Hate About DJs

We’ve all got that friend from high school whose sole occupation seems to be pestering your Facebook with event invites to the latest backwater club he’s DJing at from 10-12pm this Thursday night, and hey, mention his name at the door and you get half-price entry before 8pm!

Anyway, Zac Efron is playing that guy in a new movie named after the club ~banger~ that you definitely threw up Smirnoff Doubleblacks to at a high school house party in 2006, We Are Your Friends and it looks, just, awful, and, holy shit I can’t wait to see it.

Every excruciating cliche about the DJ world looks set to be incorporated in the young-go-getter-makes-it-big story from Catfish co-host Max Joseph (apparently it’s an MTV show??) with Efron playing Cole Carter, a Calvin Harris wannabe with an excellent upper body and a penchant for fucking huge headphones.

The trailer for the film dropped last week and introduces us to the DJ-eat-DJ world of Efron’s eyebrow-shaved protagonist and we’ve got the breakdown for you below:

We open on Average Joe/dazzling slice of man candy Cole going for a casual yog with totally appropriately sized headphones.

To the eloquent strings of the titular song we’re then smacked in the face with a bunch of youthy words layered over shots such as STUDY HALL, SATs, STUDENT LOANS, LIBERAL ARTS before finally BROKEN DREAMS, over what looks like an average middle-class kitchen. Hey fuck you Zac Efron! Maybe these people are super happy living within their means, you jerk, you don’t know them!

Thankfully Efron let’s us know this isn’t the life for him, because phew! Look at that shitty IKEA table, can you imagine? No, instead Efron and his Entourage wannabes are party promoters, which we all know is the most honourable way to make your fortune. It’s not pestering if you juice up your sales pitch with some rampant sexism!

Zac and his permanently affixed head-sub-woofers then informs us, that it’s like totally easy to be a DJ. “All you need is a laptop, a bit of talent, one track”. Done. That’s it! Wow, wait… isn’t that the main criticism of modern day dance music? That it’s just one dude and his USB hitting the space bar? I thought this was gonna be a pro-DJ movie…

Cut to Zacvicii spinning the decks at da club, but oh no, no-one’s dancing or even listening. Maybe your previous statement about how fucking easy being a DJ is was a bit misguided Zaccy boy. Plus to make things worse this female (ha, like girls know anything about DJing) wants to request Drunk In Love. WHO DOES SHE THINK HE IS, SOME KIND OF DISC JOCKEY?

The boys decide if they really want to live their dreams then they need to do something big, like the guy who invented Instagram! So of course they start building a house, which makes no sense, but I’m super ok with it because Efron arm.

After some gratuitous lady-butt shots, Zac Aoki talks us though the mind-bogging ~science~ behind being a true DJ, again glossing over the simplicity of his initial LAPTOP + TRACK = DJ spiel at the beginning. 125 beats per minute is pretty cool, but you know what’s really cool? 128 beats per minute! Apparently it’s the secret key to getting people “out of their heads and into their bodies”, because as you all know, the head is not part of the body. #SCIENCEFACTS

WHOA the chick from the Blurred Lines video is really digging Zac’s scientifically proven DJ skills, and we all know she has fine taste after working with arts connoisseur Robin Thicke. It’s not just her though, this very important man with a beard is also all atingle in his special place and immediately hires Zac to be his private DJ or some shit.

But this causes drama amongst Zac’s entourage who are downright upset for some reason and will simply not abide this move towards the exact thing they literally just said they all wanted. 

Cue montage of DJ Efr0n3 staring whimsically at the ocean, then staring mournfully at his headphones, then staring soulfully at his laptop almost palpably asking himself “Bro, am I even a DJ?”. And then the breakthrough, when Zac discovers there’s more to DJing then just a computer and that “sounds have soul” or some bullshit and so starts recording THE REAL WORLD on his iPhone and TURNING IT INTO EDM BANGERZZZZZZ.

This is a real game-changer because now everyone is jumping into pools like real DJs, and dancing and smiling and throwing bundles of cash money into shoe boxes and whatnot. Oh, except this jerk who’s still pretty pissed at his best m8s dreams coming true, and is just super jeal. That or he’s singing along to his car stereo I’m not really sure.

Fuck that guy, though, because you did it Zac! Everyone’s super pumped, especially Blurred Lines girl who is straight up dancing in a coffee shop because if this trailer’s depiction of females is anything to go by, she’s probably one of those kooky, pixie dream girls, who does what she wants, social norms be damned!

Because it’s a 2015 Hollywood movie trailer, we next see what is mostly likely the final scene, leaving absolutely zero of the plot up to our braindead imaginations, with DJ Zaccy Zac taking the stage at an epic festival, his dreams finally coming true via hardship, science and recording the majesty of nature on his phone.

So what has the trailer for We Are Your Friends, and most likely the movie, taught us about the intricate and wide-ranging world of electronic dance music? Firstly all you need is a laptop but also a near medical understanding of how the human body responds to sound waves is pretty essential too. Don’t listen to your shaved head friends, they’re always the bad guys and will butcher Taylor Swift when carpooling. Never drop any Beyonce tracks when DJing. Oh, and follow your heart or some garbage, I don’t know I’m out.

We Are Your Friends is supposedly DROPPING in August. Please accept my Facebook invitation to come see it with me.

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