Attending a sporting event has become the ultimate melting pot. With fandom comes the introduction of all sorts of fans from all walks of life.
There are a few guarantees in the life of a sports fan: parking will suck, you will spend a great deal of money and you will encounter these 15 people at every ball game.
This is the guy calling all the plays from the stands. In his mind, he’s the offensive coordinator. He obviously knows more than everyone on the field or on the court and everyone in the stands are subjected to his ‘knowledge’ of the game. Never mind his lack of qualifications and experience, he needs to yell out his coaching from the upper deck where none of the players can possibly hear him.
We all know this guy and chances are he sits near you every game. He’s the one who is always trying to explain the rules of the game to his girlfriend and he starts from the beginning to the end. He will probably even tell her some incorrect information where you’re tempted to correct him but pass and just let him enjoy his moment of feeling like a man for the evening.
The Ex Player
He played the sport and in his mind, he probably played it better than any of the current players. He was just one injury away from being in the Hall of Fame.
You’re probably thinking, “How can someone afford to get trashed at a ball game?” This guy manages to do it. He’s the moron who spent a ridiculous amount of money on tickets only to get plastered before and during the game. He’s stumbling around, slurring, and trying to fight everyone. He’s the worst type of douchebag and makes everyone glad to stay and watch the game from home.
Rally the Troops Guy
He never sits down…EVER! The entire game consists of this guy trying to get everyone excited, standing up in his section. It doesn’t matter if it’s a timeout or if it’s a 3-0 in the first quarter of a football game, this guy has to show his support by showcasing his public audition for the new role of mascot.
Whatever worked for that successful play, this guy is not moving or changing a thing. If the nachos were in his left hand and his gut had a plop of cheese sitting atop of his glorious round ‘Al Bundy gut,’ then it must never change.
Concession Stands Guy
You know that feeling when you’re sitting towards the end of the aisle and you constantly have to get up to let people out? That is this guy! He’s the worst. He can’t just sit down and enjoy the game. He has to get up and buy a $10 hot dog and a $12 beer. When he’s done eating that, he’s got to go get some ice cream to finish it off. Then his next trip is to the bathroom to release the garbage he just stuffed into his body. Why come to the game if you’re going to be out of your seat for the majority of the time?
This is both a male and female issue at ball games. GET OFF THE PHONE! Why did you take up a ticket to a live sporting event if you’re just going to get on Facebook or upload selfies in your little jersey? Or text your best friend about how much you hate your other friends? Watch the game or get out.
The Girl Who Pretends To Care
She wants to impress her boyfriend or show her group of guy friends that she belongs. In some cases, this person is legit. However, in others, this type of fan is the one screaming “touchdown” when Lebron James dunks.
The Guy Who Calls All Players By Their First Names
“C’mon, Tom. You have to audible out of that.” “Tom, look at Rob. He’s open.” These are the types of responses you may hear from this guy if he was watching a Patriots game led by Tom Brady. He thinks he’s on a first name basis with these cats. If you’re in the surrounding area of this guy, you may come away thinking this guy must be tight with Tom Brady. They probably are best friends who wear Uggs and share a caramel macchiato after the game.
“Clippers fan,” Rebecca Grant
Regular jersey, t-shirt, or casual clothes are not good enough for this fashion guru. Only the finest digs will suffice. This is the girl wearing clothes like she’s going to the club and might get ‘discovered’ by someone important. You see this mostly at Los Angeles sporting events. Yes, LA fans, you’re still the worst.
Related: Fan of the Week: Rebecca Grant
Oh, boy! This guy loves attention. He’s the type who might be wearing a stupid costume or has a stupid sign or may have cracked a joke on an opposing player that got a polite chuckle from the crowd. That little bit of reassurance is all he needs to justify trying to be ‘the funny guy’ for the rest of the game.
This honor is usually held by an older gentlemen; he has giant headphones, sits with his arms crossed, has knee high socks, his t-shirt tucked into his fanny pack and has the facial expression like he smelled a giant fart. He’s the ‘inside guy’ with what the radio broadcasters are saying.
The Guy Who Is Only There Because His Friend Had An Extra Ticket
He stands out like a sore thumb. He has no allegiance to any teams and isn’t really much of a sports guy. He just tags along because his buddy can’t find anyone else to use the ticket. He will contribute nothing to the evening, and instead, you will wish you would have just eaten the ticket or sold it to the guy in the parking lot that smelled like feet.
Dad is just happy to be out of the house but he still can’t get out of dad mode even at the stadium. He has to make sure his kids don’t get lost or pee on someone in the bathroom. If there are any failures for the evening, he will endure the wrath of his wife. But in all seriousness, the dad is the best type of fan. Nothing beats a father and son combo at a ball game.
Joshua Caudill is a writer for CraveOnline Sports, a surfing enthusiast, an unhealthy sports fanatic, and an expert on all things Patrick Swayze. You can follow him on Twitter @JoshuaCaudill85 or “like”CraveOnline Sports on Facebook.
Photo Credit: Getty