Famous Last Words: 10 Celebrity Books to Cure Your Insomnia
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We all love it when celebrities veer way out of their lane, like a trucker who’s overdosed on caffeine pills. But it’s even better when there’s a book to prove it. These 10 famous people should have never picked up a pen. Even a ghostwriter couldn’t save their tomes from the depths of the proverbial dumpster.
On the bright side, these literary disasters are sure to put a smile on your face as you drift into a blissful slumber. Consider your insomnia cured. Side effects may include dreams of Snooki and sudden onset of coma. Those experiencing comas lasting more than four hours should consult a librarian.
OJ: 'If I Did It'
Either Simpson is a genius of the first order who has meticulously re-framed one of the most scandalous events of the '90s in a meta-divided-by-meta kind of way, or he is a seriously deranged sociopath who cannot be stopped. Whatever the angle, he truly veered way out of his lane.
After appearing on hundreds of cheesy romance novel covers, Fabio decided he had what it took to write his own. Then he did it again and again...and again. The man, apparently, has a lot to say. If you're more into audiobooks, check out the album Fabio dropped in 1993 called Fabio After Dark. Draw a warm bath, light some candles, and prepare to mainline a little piece of Fabio's heart.
Kim Kardashian West: 'Selfish'
Kim has made an incredible living doing who knows what. And her coffee-table book is an amazing example of just that. Selfish is a collection of selfies that Kardashian West had taken during various stages of her life, showing various amounts of cleavage and copious amounts of silicon-injected pouting. Kardashian said of the book: "There's just such an evolution of the selfie. And I captured that, I think, really well." You sure did, honey boo. You sure did.
Lance Armstrong: 'It's Not About The Bike'
Everyone's favorite cheater wrote a book. In it, he peddles (lolz) the value of hard work, perseverance, discipline, and self-motivation. By the way, this was after the (ahem) doping scandal. You're right, Lance; what everyone is thinking right now is not about the bike.
James Franco: 'Directing Herbert White'
James Franco is a self-proclaimed Renaissance man, which means he was bound to hit us with some poetry sooner or later. Unfortunately, this book of poetry is so bad, we're pretty sure scientists are working on a time machine right now so we can go back and prevent this from ever happening, Terminator-style.
David Duchovny: 'Holy Cow'
And we quote: "Hello, again. I'm a cow, my name is Elsie, yes, I know. And that's no bull." This man studied English at Princeton and Yale. Maybe college is overrated after all.
Charlie Sheen: 'A Peace of My Mind'
The masterful play on words that he chose for the title shines a light on the poetic soul that is Charlie Sheen. Rivaled only by the back of a soda can, Sheen's poetry is at once grotesque and pedestrian. If you only had a bookshelf big enough for one book, consider leaving it empty.
Tyra Banks: 'Modelland'
The terrifying entrance that Tyra Banks makes in the above GIF tells you everything you need to know about this YA novel. It's startling, clumsy, aggressive, and makes you want to close your eyes forever.
Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi: 'A Shore Thing'
What better premise for a novel than rewriting a pointless reality show in book form? If you agree, go to the one library in America that has Snooki's ravishing debut and learn about tans, deli pickles, and all things Jersey Shore.
Hillary Clinton: 'What Happened'
OK, we believe you. Just please stop throwing wrenches at us.