Photo: Buena Vista Pictures
It doesn’t matter how old you are (unless you were somehow born before the Prohibition era, in which case we thank you for spending your final hours reading this), there’s a good chance Disney’s animated movies were a huge part of your childhood. For years, the company has been supplying us with magical tales and quirky characters, all the while delivering what they believe are life lessons. However, as you get older, you start to realize a number of Disney characters you enjoyed as a child could actually be classified as complete assholes. How about we ruin your childhood a bit more by ranking some of the biggest jerks in Disney animated history?
5. Enchantress (Beauty and the Beast)
One of the first douchebags we’d like to remind you of is the enchantress from the Beauty and the Beast. This magical creature disguises herself as an old and ugly beggar, asking a young prince for a shelter and offering a single rose as payment. When he, quite logically, says no, she goes into full-rage mode and turns him into a ferocious beast, burdening him with the quest of finding true love. As if that’s not enough, she also turns all of his servants into common household objects without any real reason. Simply because a young boy decided to listen to his parents’ advice and not let strangers into his home (regardless of how beautiful or ugly they are), he is severely punished by a vindictive, obviously insecure enchantress. What kind of a life lesson is that, Disney?
4. Ariel (The Little Mermaid)
Let’s talk about a little Disney brat who actually deserved a divine punishment for her actions — Ariel. We can hear you screaming at the monitor, “But she is a Disney princess, how can she be an asshole?!” Well, she can. Being a sea princess simply wasn’t enough for the Little Mermaid. She spent most of her time collecting garbage from the human world and basically renouncing her own heritage. She even gave up her voice to get a pair of legs and pretend to be something she’s not and seduce an air-breather. All this aside, do you want to know what makes Ariel the ultimate asshole here? The fact that she abandoned a friend in need, the underappreciated composer Sebastian, and single-handedly managed to ruin his big underwater show. She basically left him high and dry, which is quite horrible for a sea creature.
3. Prince Charming (Cinderella)
Don’t worry, we’re not only accusing female Disney characters of being assholes here. No, the male characters are sometimes even worse. Take Prince Charming, for example (what kind of a name is that?). He throws a huge party, meets a girl, and falls in love. OK, we’ve all been there. However, despite the fact the girl quite literally runs away from him, he goes into a full-blown stalker mode, hunting her down following the scent of a lost shoe. Yes, he might have the ultimate foot fetish, but the situation is so bad he doesn’t even remember the girl’s face. He never even bothered to ask her for a name, let alone get her number. What a jerk.
2. Linguini (Ratatouille)
Fast forward to this 2007 flick where a guy uses a rat to do his cooking for him. Where do we even start with this? Linguini is (unknowingly) the son of a great chef, but has about a snowflake of talent for cooking. So, what does he do? He cheats his way into getting a job at a prestigious restaurant and uses a talented rat to do it. It makes no difference whether a rat can perfectly slice a carrot or not, he doesn’t belong in a kitchen. These creatures carry diseases including the plague. Simply because he wanted to impress a foxy chef, Linguini risked infecting thousands of people. If that’s not an asshole move, what is?
1. Buzz Lightyear (Toy Story)
Let’s dig into another fan-favorite animation — Toy Story. The asshole we would like to single out from this great film is Mr. Buzz Lightyear himself. Why do we feel he is an even bigger piece of crap than Linguini who could have poisoned numerous people with his rat-camaraderie? The answer lies in that incredibly cocky attitude that reminds you of all those jocks in your high-school who were so popular and dated the girls you had a crush on. Despite being just a toy, Buzz is a huge dick who comes into Woody’s life, takes all of his friends, and seduces all the girls. He even wins Andy over with his modern, cool gadgets. Buzz is just a horrible, horrible person.
We’ve only just scratched the surface (and possibly ruined a bit of your Disney childhood), but trust us, it’s for the greater good.