Tiger Is Really Sorry

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Speaking for the first time since his wife caved his head in with a 3-wood on November 27th for banging whores all across America, Tiger Woods held a press conference where “friends and handpicked reporters” sat quietly and were not allowed to ask questions as Tiger read something his PR people wrote. How fascinating! Copy and pasted bullshit below:

“I want to say to each of you simply and directly: I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible, selfish behavior… I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife Elin and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say,” Woods said from behind a podium. “Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior,” he explained, adding, “My real apology .. will come from my behavior. We have a lot to discuss. What we say to each other will remain between the two of us.”

I really hope no one believes any of this, because if Tiger found out about a spaceship that could take you to a planet where the women could only reproduce with Ambien and interracial anal, there’s a good chance you’d need a hostage negotiator to get him off.