Mary-Kate Olsen Is Pathetic

Even though she doesn’t even have a boyfriend, In Touch is reporting that Mary-Kate Olsen has purchased herself a $250,000 engagement ring. Still broken-hearted over her split with Greek shipping heir (and current Paris Hilton boyfriend) Stavros Niarchos in October, the actress bought the 19th century ring from a private broker. A friend tells the magazine:

Mary-Kate hasn’t worn the ring yet. She keeps it tucked away in her jewelry box, but she takes it out to show her friends and she looks at it all the time, too. It’s breathtaking.”

I don’t think Mary-Kate is attractive for the same reason I don’t download child porn. I’m sure hypopituitarism has it’s good points, but I’m not looking to put a booster seat in my new Ferrari any time soon. In her defense, she is a 19 year old billionaire. Why is she so anxious to get married, anyway? When I was 19, my only ambition was to get on MTV’s Singled Out. That desire was only matched by the painful hard on I got from Jenny McCarthy. Imagine my surprise when I got to her apartment, only for her to tell me that our sexual rendezvous would have to be postponed. Something about a “girl” visit to the gynecologist the next day. Lucky for me she didn’t have a dentist appointment that day, too.