Catching Up With Cruise

As usual, I need to bundle all the recent Tom Cruise stories together and pick a few out of the hundreds to post because there’s just too much crazy when it comes to Cruise. And too much crazy isn’t healthy. I care about your health. I really do. Almost as much as Tom Cruise and the rest of the recruiters from the Church of Scientology.

First, the PR Newswire is reporting that Tom Cruise won the number one spot on the 11th Annual PR Blunders list. Hey, it’s still not an Oscar, but you’re still a winner, Tommy. You’re number 1!

Next, John Travolta’s beard wife, Kelly Preston, is suggesting that Tom and Katie step away from the limelight for a while and go have some alone time. She says,

Their relationship is so new and fresh, and everyone is so interested! They should sneak away and get some peace and quiet.”

Scientologists have the same little secret language that twins and mobsters have. What she’s really saying is, “Everyone is starting to find out how insane we all are and how gay you and my husband are, so if you could please shut the fuck up, that would be great.” “P.S. I hate South Park.”

Last, but certainly not least, is today’s Page Six report on Tom Cruise. He’s attending a fundraiser tonight at Tribeca Rooftop for a Church of Scientology program he co-founded called the New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Project which claims it heals the firefighters and rescue workers who inhaled toxic smoke on 9/11. For a measly $6,250 you too can attend, and you even get a picture with Tom Cruise.

…doctors say the “purification rundown” dreamed up by science fiction writer and Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard is worthless quackery consisting of sauna sweating, ingestion of cooking oil and large doses of niacin. And the program could even be harmful, because Cruise and company advise everyone to stop taking their prescription medications or using inhalers, just as he criticized Brooke Shields for taking anti-depressants to relieve her postpartum depression.”

People are blowing all that money to go spend some brainwash time with Marshall Applewhite reincarnated. I’m not even joking. The similarities between these two are eerie at best. Keep in mind, if you weren’t a rescue worker or firefighter and you breathed toxic 9/11 smoke, the Church of Scientology will still treat you for a small fee of $5,200. Tom, take the money, build a rocket, and shoot yourself and the rest of your crazy cult into space. Do us all a favor and take Paris Hilton with you. I’ll even throw in John Basedow free of charge.