‘Harry Potter’ director hates children

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Mike Newell, the director of the upcoming Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is using his platform to vent his seething mistrust of children. The 63-year-old film-maker is determined to obliterate any sense of false innocence in the magical tale, as he insists kids should be depicted in a more truthful light – as bloodthirsty maniacs. He says, “I was very anxious to break the franchise out of this goody-two-shoes feel. It’s my view that children are violent, dirty, corrupt anarchists. Just adults-in-waiting basically.”

Little kids aren’t always the wishes wrapped in candy my figurine collection from Hallmark led me to believe. And it’s nice that Mike Newell is brave enough to point that out. All great men throughout history have hated children: Hannibal Barca, Louis Pasteur, Martin Luther, my dad. In fact, tales are told of a man who so despised children that he would make them do jumping jacks for hours and sleep in a barn with the swine to atone for their violent and dirty ways.

And that man my friends … was Abraham Lincoln.