Tom Cruise loves Kate. No, the other one.

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This won’t really help the public sentiment that the Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise romance is just for show, but a report in the New York Daily News asks the question, “Was Katie Holmes Tom Cruise’s top choice for arm candy? One rumor doing the Hollywood Hills cocktail circuit is that young Miss Holmes was not the first photogenic virgin-type to be auditioned for the part of the girlfriend. “Before Katie, he was interested in Kate Bosworth,” says a snitch. But the actress, who is Orlando Bloom’s on-and-off gal pal, apparently did not reciprocate the feelings.”

I’ve always been a little worried that the red-hot primal sexuality I’m packin would be a deal breaker to the torrid affair between me and Kate Bosworth. She’s been dating that little weenie Orlando Bloom for so long, a Cadillac of men like myself might be a little intimidating. And if Tom Cruise was too much for her, I may have to tone things down. Normally I dress like Patton, with an ivory handled pistol and riding chaps, randomly calling people ‘yella’ and ordering them back to the front, but I may just go with a more romantic cape and sword outfit from now on.