Lindsay Lohan named First Lady of TRL

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Lindsay Lohan … heads to MTV’s TRL Awards, where she was named First Lady, besting Jessica Simpson, Gwen Stefani and Missy Elliott.

I met Lindsay Lohan once, years ago, when the Parent Trap held their press junket at the hotel I worked for. She was a little bitch then too. The temptation to smack her around was just about overwhelming, but the Ritz-Carlton has a strict rule about staff beating up ten-year old girls. I’m pretty sure they hadn’t met Lindsay when they made that. People laugh because her dad is drunk all the time, but considering the way his daughter acts, that actually seems pretty reasonable.

I’m not trying to pretend this TRL award means anything – unless the prize is penicillin and dignity – which is exactly why she should have stepped back. Ostensibly this was a music award, and she beat Missy Elliot. She has one crappy god-damn song and she beat Missy Elliot. Does that make sense to anyone?

I’m just not on board with the whole Lindsay Lohan thing. Which is completely inexplicable because I’m a big fan of girls with red hair in general, and drunken whores with red hair and huge racks in particular, but there’s something about Lindsay that bothers me. It might help if she stopped with the spray-on tan, cause that just makes her look like a damn oompa-loompa, and that’s really not the turn on someone tricked her into thinking it is.