Why Biting Beyonce Was The Best Career Move For Sanaa Lathan
Photo: Jason LaVeris/FilmMagic (Getty Images)
As children, we’re told that biting is not the answer. You’re taught to treat others as you wish to be treated. Welp, that all went out the window when Sanaa Lathan bit Beyonce recently at a celebrity soiree. And all this after recently going full Britney and shaving her head? This may have been the best career move she’s made yet. To be honest, we’re all wondering: What took you so long, Sanaa?
The Internet was jumpin’ after “bootylicious” Beyonce was stung on the cheek by a mystery biter with enough unanswered questions to open a cold case. After a reality show rendition of Clue in which hilarious attempts (Andy Dick, in the women’s bathroom, with a vibrating Chinese finger trap) were made to uncover the possible assailant, everyone from Lena Dunham and Jennifer Lawrence to the tiny teeth of Kevin Hart, the finger was pointed at Lathan. In the wake of the unveiling, in which Tiffany Haddish, one of our favorite female comedians, finally caved and gave up a name, Lathan continues to deny it).
Y’all are funny. Under no circumstances did I bite Beyonce and if I did it would’ve been a love bite
— Sanaa Lathan (@justsanaa) March 26, 2018
With a fizzling career, the Love & Basketball actress, 45, has seen progressively more aggressive roles in recent years, including roles in American Assassin, Shots Fired and Macbett: The Black MacBeth. Now we’re starting to wonder where it all goes from here…
At a time when pop scandals are more saturated than wet farts at an NRA chili cookoff, Sanaa Lathan has grouped herself in with the most badass women in showbiz overnight. With the recent #MeToo movement and International Women’s Month, what flailing actress wouldn’t want to use it as a catalyst for rebranding? This could be the beginning of a whole new career for Lathan, if she plays her cards right.
So here are some routes that Lathan can take it from here:
- If Ocean’s 8 goes off without a hitch (think 2016 Ghostbusters, except good), we wouldn’t be surprised if Lathan gets cast in the sequel. Not only are women getting their comeuppance in film, but Hollywood is actively seeking diversity in the realm of bad-assery, even in the realm of hard-ass vegans, which Lathan basically is. Mid-afternoon vegan cooking shows with a side of face-biting? It’s like Giada At Home meets Maury.
- If A Wrinkle in Time needs a new villainess, someone to balance out all that Oprah goodness, guess who’s at the top of the short list? Well, Rihanna. But if she’s busy, then why not a more affordable Lathan?
- And if Black Panther needs someone who’s not afraid of a little catfight, well, we’ve made our point. But why stop there? One publicity stunt usually rolls into a tour of apologies. She could be on every late-night talk show by week’s end. She could be the next Stormy Daniels (except she has nothing to apologize for).
- Instead of apologizing, she could always go for the throat and say why she bit Beyonce (and she’d gladly do it again). If it didn’t land her at least one job, she could always fall back on a surreal life of failed celebrity reality shows, something in the realm of Catfight: Celebrity Women Who Refuse to Retract Their Claws.
Now just wait for Beyonce to turn the other cheek, then bite that and make sure someone is there to catch it. This time next year, you should be the lead in a “Star Wars” movie. And we wouldn’t mind seeing a black Cruella DeVille right about now — someone with a little more believably cruel (and curvy) than the skinny twig we grew up with. If she’s not afraid to bite Beyonce, puppies would be a breeze.
All we’re saying, Sanaa, is simply this: Better late than never. After all, it wouldn’t be the first time a celebrity did something outlandishly bold for a little attention. Have we already forgotten the infamous Super Bowl Nipplegate?