The Best Foreplay Moves Ever

Photo: Richard Drury (Getty Images)

Today, we’re going to talk about a mythical part of sex that most of you have probably never heard of before. It’s called foreplay (read as fore play). “What is foreplay?” we hear you scream at your monitor screen as your eyes widen in disbelief. Well, apparently, this “foreplay” is something that happens before the actual intercourse and is supposed to make your partner enjoy sex even more. We know that you’re mindblown at the moment, but please stay with us as we will explain, bit by bit, what you need to do, how and why. Get ready to become a world-famous lover whose skills will be talked about for years to come.

Phase 1: Nagging

According to numerous studies conducted by esteemed experts in the field of late night activities, one of the ways that women heighten their sexual desire is through nagging. Women love to nag about pretty much anything, so you need to encourage that type of behavior and even provoke it. You’ve probably seen those romantic films that state you spread rose petals on your lover’s bed to put her in the mood. That is a blatant lie. Instead, you should just sprinkle some bread crumbs and possibly some unwashable liquid on the sheets to set off her nagging instinct. After she gets tired of yelling at you, she’s ready for some love-making. Among some other nagging-provoking actions are: playing video games all night while she sleeps next to you, leaving beer bottle marks all over her favorite table that she inherited from her long dead grandma, and leaving the toothpaste open until it dries nicely and becomes as hard as a rock.

Phase 2: Cooking and Cleaning

They say that the path to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so the same has to apply to women as well, right? Millions of women interviewed for this amazingly thorough article stated that the foreplay they secretly wish for is cooking and cleaning, in that order. So, before you take her on the kitchen table, make sure you’ve cleaned it meticulously using all of her favorite products. Don’t be cheap either. She’ll know if you’ve bought a detergent that doesn’t smell like mountain dew and doesn’t have puppies on the label. Obviously, all of that effort is for nothing if you haven’t already prepared a heartfelt light meal with a bunch of vegetables and no meat.

Phase 3: Kissing

Now that you’ve finally managed to get her in bed, it’s time for some considerate caressing and soft kisses. A lot of people on the internet claim that they know all the female erogenous zones you should concentrate on but, let’s face it, most of them haven’t even seen a woman (though they all claim they’ve had sex with your mother in various video games). So, to be on the safe side, go steadily. Yes, she might find it odd that you’re kissing her index finger or munching on her thick, black hair, but that is the only way to reliably find all the erogenous zones. Be on the lookout for her nods, sighs, and “get the hell away from me” phrases to see what works best.

Phase 4: Role Play

Another one of foreplay ideas that women seem to enjoy is role play. When we say role play, we don’t mean dressing up as a Skyrim character and slaughtering a horde of your enemies before heading out of the city on your trusty steed. We mean, pretending to be someone else for a while to spice up your love life. For example, whenever my wife and I try this, she insists on me playing the role of our next door neighbor Dave for some reason. She makes me wear a bag with his face on it and doesn’t let me speak in order to keep the illusion. It’s a silly game, isn’t it? She doesn’t even know him. She’s seen him a few times maybe as he keeps coming round our house to fix the pipes whenever I am not home, about 2-3 times a week. Those pipes keep leaking.

Now that we’ve explained how to foreplay, go ahead and try your luck in the real world. Disclaimer: we’re not responsible for any breakups, injuries or broken plates that may result from following this guide.