How To Make A White Russian Like a KGB Agent

Photo:  RonBailey (Getty Images)

As a comrade, you truly don’t have too many choices when it comes to drinking cocktails, and while you can pull off colorful and flashy drinks like Pina Colada and Mojito if you’re at a beach bar in Cuba, for all other missions your options are limited. We can pretend all we like that the way a drink look doesn’t matter, but we know that is not the case and it can even jeopardize a mission. For the moments when you’re not around a bartender, you’ll need to learn how to make a White Russian like an experienced KGB agent.

Capitalist James Bond is not the only secret service agent that needs to woo and seduce women sometimes and not even president Putin could succeed in that while drinking a weak, feminine beverage, like whiskey or Jager. That’s where the smooth, sweet, sophisticated White Russian cocktail comes into play.

White Russian Origins Propaganda

Like a true KGB operative, we must firstly extensively research the subject and only then approach to the actual action of making the cocktail. Western capitalist propaganda states that White Russian isn’t even a Russian drink at all and that it is called that way merely because it has vodka in it. The White Russian is a variation of another vodka drink called Black Russian, which is cream-free, and which allegedly originates from Belgium. Westerners even have the audacity to say that the favorite beverage of the KGB was not esteemed before their indoctrinating movie The Big Lebowski was released, in which the main character “The Dude” drinks it and calls it a “Caucasian”. All lies, of course, but it’s wise to know what the enemy thinks.

White Russian Ingredients

In order to make the White Russian you’ll need to notify your supplier in whatever country you’re stationed in, hopefully, it will be the warm Cuba, and employ him to leave the next provisions at the designated spot:

Kahlúa or other coffee-flavored liqueur like Tia Maria
– Vodka (Russian, of course)
– Heavy cream

White Russian Recipe
White Russian cocktails

Photo:  Michael Marquand (Getty Images)

Get yourself an old fashioned glass, the one capitalists use for their whiskey, and put ice cubes in it to the top. Then you’ll proceed to pour two parts of vodka and one part of Kahlúa in it simultaneously. Parts is just capitalists lingo there to confuse self-taught cocktail-makers, it’s not a measurement like a liter or a gallon, it’s just a ratio of ingredients. So one part could be one tablespoon or one cup.

If that’s too vague for you and have been hit too many times during basic training, just pour two ounces of vodka and one ounce of the coffee liqueur. Shaking the cream can make it thick, and after you should proceed to gently pour the cream in the glass off the back of a spoon, feel free to stop and wait for a second if you think that the cream has rustled the drink too much. Put a short straw in and do a nice, slow swirl around the edges of the glass. You have two options, either stir it until the liquid in the glass mixes completely, or do the slow swirl and let there be a black base layer. 

Cheers, or За здоровье!

White Russian Best Variations

Blind Russian

When going undercover in the United Kingdom, it would be wise to prepare the alteration of the White Russian, called the Blind Russian in which you use Baileys Irish Cream instead of the actual cream. The term Blind is used when a cocktail is made out exclusively out of alcoholic ingredients.

Anna Kournikova

You may wonder how do you make a White Russian if you’re trying to woo a supermodel and the she doesn’t want to risk her figure. That’s when you use skimmed milk and it’s called Anna Kournikova, as per Russian tennis player.

Dirty Russian

When no one is looking and you can relax and put away the spy stuff for a while you can be a dirty Russian and make a Dirty Russian, by simply replacing cream with chocolate milk. Don’t let your children see you drink it though, as they will surely get jealous.

Now you know how to make a White Russian like a true KGB agent, hopefully, this won’t prevent you in doing your job right.