Photo: 20th Century Fox
There’s a good chance you’ll end up watching Home Alone this holiday season, so allow me to ruin it for you by pointing out all the bizarre and disturbing things you may have never noticed. Seriously, this movie is absolutely riddled with plot holes. Some of these have been discussed before, but there are a lot of troubling scenes in Home Alone that have nothing to do with Harry and Marv being seriously injured.
1. Fuller Bladder
Kids have problems with wetting the bed. That’s understandable. But why was Fuller so happy about it and taunting Kevin about how he was going to piss all over him that night? Pepsi seems like the least of his issues.
2. Milk and Pizza?
Maybe the most disturbing moment of the entire film is that Kevin’s mom was trying to make everyone drink milk with their pizza. What is wrong with this woman?
3. Frank Uncle
After soda gets spilled on the tickets, Kevin is explaining to his mom what happened, when his garbage heap of an uncle chimes in and calls him “a little jerk.” I’m sorry, what? This man comes into your home, mooches off you, and insults your children with name-calling? Defend your family, Peter McCallister!
4. Old Man Gnarly
Old Man Marley turned out to be a nice guy after all, but he couldn’t have been that surprised about everyone being terrified of him considering that, instead of speaking like a normal human, he just stared at children while dragging his shovel across the ground. You gotta meet me half way, Marley.
5. Officer Nonchalant
How was there not a single adult in the house that felt the need to acknowledge an officer standing in the living room? The pizza guy literally gets more of a response than a cop.
6. To Pretend to Serve
So a frantic mother calls the police to tell them her child is home by himself and may be in danger. They send an officer to the house to check on him. The guy knocks a few times then says, “There’s no one here. Tell her to count her kids again.” Wouldn’t that be even more evidence that he’s in danger? This man may be the single worst police officer that’s ever lived.
Also this guy’s name was Officer Balzak.
7. Deliver Us From Evil
Why exactly did we find it acceptable for Kevin to make this pizza delivery kid think he was about to die? The kid did nothing wrong other than complain about a terrible tip. He only brought a few cheese pizzas in the opening scene because that’s how many were ordered. He was an innocent victim in all of this.
What kind of garbage business is selling toothbrushes not approved by the American Dental Association? Did they make them in the store? How can I trust the expiration dates on all of their food and drinks if this is the kind of business they’re running.
9. Makeshift Marley
Can we talk about what a terrible job Old Man Marley does with treating injuries? His disgusting hand wound is clearly bleeding through the makeshift bandage he put together. Yet, instead of going to the hospital, he went to buy Band-Aids. You might need a little more than that for your shovel gash, pal.
10. Walkie Stalkies
After nearly running him over, Marv and Harry start following Kevin in their creepy van. He starts running and Harry mentions how something isn’t right with his behavior. You think? Two strange men almost murdered him with a van and now they’re slowly following him down the street. What kid wouldn’t be terrified and start running?
11. Santa Flaws
A kid comes up to you in the middle of the night and talks about how his family has vanished and that he doesn’t know what’s going to happen tonight. Meanwhile, you just give him some Tic Tacs and send him on his way? What is wrong with you?!
12. Mac and Cheese It!
Kevin makes a blueprint and spends the whole evening putting together the perfect defense system for his home, but doesn’t look up at the clock before dinner to realize he didn’t allot himself time to eat? He literally made a candlelight dinner for himself that started at 6:59 p.m!
It’s certainly reassuring to know that if you call the police and say, “Hello, my house is being robbed” then hang up, it gets immediate results. But if you say a child might be in danger, they’ll just transfer you to a different department.
14. Not Gonna Fly
So after Kevin’s mom spent thousands of dollars, gave away jewelry, and road in a U-Haul van full of random polka men, she arrives maybe two minutes quicker than the rest of the family that simply waited for the next flight. They laugh it off, but she went through hell for no reason whatsoever.