If You Like Any Of These Christmas (Holiday) Songs, You’re An Asshole
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If you like Christmas, you’re not necessarily an asshole. But there’s a right way and a wrong way. And if you like any of these Christmas songs, then you’re just a total A-hole doing it the wrong way. The good news though, is that there is a cure for your A-holia. This list isn’t meant to call you out as an asshole — it’s here to help you stop being one. And that starts by no longer liking these songs. If you do, then you need to look in the mirror and realize you’re an asshole immediately. Because knowing is half the battle. (Please note that I acknowledge the fact that anybody who writes a list like this is indisputably an asshole.)
If You Like Any Of These Christmas (Holiday) Songs, You’re An Asshole
“Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time,” Paul McCartney & Wings
Why it sucks: I have trouble believing anyone liked Paul McCartney in 1979. Everyone knew that he had as much to do with breaking up the Beatles as Yoko. Everyone knew that the group’s real edge came from John — and if they didn’t yet, this song definitely brought that to light. As in, so light you can almost hear Paul’s feathered hair flowing in the light breeze.
Why you suck for liking it: When you like a song where the synthesizer — the world’s least Christmassy instrument — is featured prominently, then you are the least Christmassy person around. And a disco-loving one at that. I’m not saying that disco doesn’t have a time and a place, even borderline easy-listening disco, I’m just saying Christmas is not that time.
This Rebooted Version of “The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late),” Alvin and the Chipmunks
Why it sucks: The original version of this song is painfully bad. Pop rock in general is painfully bad. So a pop rock update of this bucktoothed, ear-piercing tune is possibly the worst idea anyone aligned with the Chipmunk franchise has ever had. Let that sink in. This is why we’re losing, folks. Your kids see this shit, and if they aren’t taught it’s not cool, they might actually think it is. And that’s why children’s popular entertainment is mostly unwatchable, yet continues to basically just be remade, over and over, with a quick pop rock refresh. Which is why we continue to devolve. And why your kid is an asshole too.
Why you suck for liking it: I’ll allow you one listen of the 1958 version per Christmas season. But if you can go through the entire six weeks liking this song, then you’ve got yourself an asshole problem. It’s a sped up recording meant to be passed off as rodents whining. But if you can like the pop rock version above even once, then you may just be one of those kind of assholes who’s always gonna be an asshole. And I’m sorry, but I can’t help you.
“Come Light the Menorah,” Various Jewish People
Why it Sucks: I hate to bag on my people, but just look at these poor schmucks above. It’s a minute and a half version of the song, and they repeat the same lame verse three awful times. They just get faster each time. That’s not really a song, more like organized annoyance. They do seem like jolly Jews, though, which I guess is the point of the season, but still, it’s not our season. So our holiday songs are never going to be any good.
Why you suck for liking it: If you like any Hanukkah “carols,” you’re an asshole. This one just sucks extra bad for sounding so much like “God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman,” but they’re all terrible — and unnecessary to boot. Let the Christians have their damn holiday. Sure, you’re reminded all season long of the fact that you’re just a little Jewish alien living among those who follow St. Nick, but just let them have their holiday. And then we can celebrate extra hard for Passover.
“Last Christmas,” Wham!
Why it sucks: It’s Wham!
Why you suck for liking it: If you’re having an ’80s party, you may like the hit-making novelty of George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley’s man duo. But you shouldn’t even like it then. Just look at George’s hair. And Andy’s! I quote “Weird Science“: “Anybody with a haircut like that and you know he’s an asshole.” And anybody who likes music by assholes with such finely coiffed hair is also an asshole. The outfits don’t help either.
“All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth”
Why it sucks: I vaguely remember this being one of those early elementary school choir songs they made us sing, regardless of whether we were raised to want anything for Christmas or not. And I remember thinking what a gyp that would be if a couple of teeth was all you got for Christmas. I can understand that anyone, particularly a child, looks pretty darn dumb without their two front teeth, but still, aim high. If we’re teaching our kids to want, which is the American way, then let’s teach them to want big.
Why you suck for liking it: Because you’re just promoting this “look at me” philosophy of raising your asshole kids. This song is all about vanity. Look at me and my stupid teeth. Me! Me! Me! A lot of people never get their two front teeth, but you don’t see them whining about it, do you? Sure, they’re usually boxers, but this is the kind of song that eventually leads to the first few episodes of “American Idol,” where they weed out the atrocious singers who have been lied to about how talented they are. So I guess what I’m saying is that if you like this song, you’re an asshole, and your asshole kid is atrociously untalented.
“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” Elmo & Patsy
Why it sucks: Do I really have to help you figure out why it sucks? Listen to it. It was written specifically to be annoying. There’s no other explanation for such sucky tones.
Why you’re an asshole for liking it: Yes, liking this song makes you an asshole, but it’s the good kind of asshole; you know, the kind who likes jokes about dead grandmas. So you don’t necessarily suck, even though you are an asshole. Because it does take a certain asshole sensibility to allow yourself to laugh at such a thing, and all laughter should be applauded. But let’s talk about the asshole who wrote the song, Randy Brooks. You really have to be an asshole to put such a catchy tune to a song about how you let your drunk-ass grandma leave your house in a blizzard to go get her medication, which you didn’t have handy. You just let her go? She’s old! It’s cold! She’s hammered!
“Funky, Funky Xmas,” New Kids on the Block
Why it sucks: Spoiler alert! There’s nothing even remotely funky about this Christmas song. And repeating the word “funky” in the title only magnifies the problem. I didn’t think it was possible, but I’m actually whiter for having listened to it. And in the performance above, NKOTB even make Arsenio Hall’s band seem kinda whiter too. There’s so much wrong with the performance, but let’s just start with the fact that there’s no good time of year to sport the sequined-blazer/no-shirt look, but certainly not around the holidays.
Why you suck for liking it: If you like anything by NKOTB, you’re either a girl asshole or a Mass-hole. Though technically you can be both, neither is something to be proud of. And the fact that I had to listen to this tragedy to write this blurb actually makes me hate you and the Wahlbergs even more.
“All I Want For Christmas Is You,” Mariah Carey
Why it sucks: It’s not just the song, which is annoyingly ubiquitous, it’s the video. Look how adorable Mariah was. How sweet. How innocent and pure. So much so, that you totally believed that all she really wanted for Christmas was you, a couple of dogs, some reindeer, and a sexy Santa outfit underneath that sweet one-piece. But spending Christmas with a self-proclaimed diva couldn’t possibly be so sweet. Do you really see Mariah as a minimalist? I get the feeling she requires really good presents. So the whole premise of the song is bullshit.
Why you suck for liking it: How can you like this knowing that music industry svengali Tommy Mottola, Carey’s husband at the time, is the guy playing Santa? Santa, who Mariah rolls around in the snow with, who looks poised to spend some Christmas cozy time with yuletide Mariah. But then she just up and snowmobiles away with some other dude, who’s also rocking a sweet onesie. Sorry Santa, but I like his sled better, says Mariah. And she breaks Santa’s heart, man. The very man who’s nurturing ways helped gift us both Hall & Oates and John Mellencamp. That’s just wrong.
“Do They Know It’s Christmas?” Band Aid
Why it sucks: Who wants to feel guilty at Christmas time? Besides, didn’t we fix that whole African food shortage thing already? Also, how does Paul Young lead the song? You’ve got Bono, Sting, Phil Collins, Boy George, Duran Duran, and all sorts of talented, big-name stars, and Bob Geldof, and yet you feature Paul Young, the guy I have to link to in order to let people know who he is. Also, I always thought they sang “We know, oh whoa,” which is not even close to “Feed the world.” And I have to say, it was a much more enjoyable song before I learned the real lyrics.
Why you suck for liking it: Because this is basically the less successful version of “We Are the World,” performed mostly by wankers with Wham! hair and over-righteous politics. And yeah, maybe the album did a lot of good for a lot of people, and maybe it did spawn that whole “Live Aid” thing, and yeah, it kind of rocks steady. But if you play this on Christmas, your mom is going to turn it off and turn on Harry Connick Jr., because Christmas isn’t supposed to be depressing.
All of them
Why they suck: Even the good Christmas songs are only sub-par actual songs.
Why you suck for liking them: Christmas music is basically state enforced Easy Listening. Which is really just a hare’s leap away from fascism. If you like Christmas music, on any day other than Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, then you have no one but your asshole self to blame when the Storm Troopers start marching again.