The 100 Greatest Headlines From ‘The Onion’

As you should already know, The Onion is one of the greatest sites on the Internet. They’ve been creating consistently hilarious content for 20+ years. So we thought we’d boil down their two decades of award-winning satire into a list of their 100 greatest headlines. Here they are.

100. Drugs Win Drug War (link)

99. Rural Nebraskan Not Sure He Could Handle Frantic Pace Of Omaha (link)

98. Welcome To T.G.I. Fridays! May I Annoy The Living Shit Out Of You? (link)

taylor swift now dating Joseph McCarthy, onion headlines

97. Taylor Swift Now Dating Senator Joseph McCarthy (link)

96. Kitten Thinks Of Nothing But Murder All Day (link)

95. Miracle Of Birth Occurs For 83 Billionth Time (link)

94. Fucking Loser At Movie All By Himself (link)

93. ‘I Am Under 18’ Button Clicked For First Time In History Of Internet (link)

92. Rest Of U2 Perfectly Fine With Africans Starving (link)

91. Study Reveals: Babies Are Stupid (link)

90. Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell (link)

89. Man Didn’t Expect Sex With Prostitute Would Be So Emotionally Fulfilling (link)

88. Showers With Girlfriend Increasingly Cleansing-Focused (link)

87. Everyone At Airport Delighted By Chubby Family Rapidly Waddling Toward Gate (link)

86. Fuck Everything, Nation Reports (link)

85. Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness (link)



84. New Subway Promotion To Honor Subtember 11 (link)

83. Loved Ones Recall Local Man’s Cowardly Battle With Cancer (link)

82. Ho, Ho, Ho! 9/11 Was An Inside Job! (link)

81. Alcoholic Father Disappointed In Pothead Son (link)

80. Prisoner Sort Of Expected To Get Raped More Often (link)

79. Woman Flattered Complete Stranger Would Say Something So Nice About Her Tits (link)

78. Area Woman Tired Of Men Staring At Her Breast Implants (link)

77. Everyone Involved In Pizza’s Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High (link)

76. Sudanese 14-Year-Old Has Midlife Crisis (link)

75. Man Prone To Lying Beds Woman Prone To Lying Prone (link)

funniest onion headlines

74. Joe Biden Shows Up To Inauguration With Ponytail (link)

73. New Dog Digs Up Old Dog (link)

72. Area Man Finally Works Up Courage To Sexually Harass Secretary (link)

71. The World’s Most Powerful Women: We Make Them Discuss Fashion And Lindsay Lohan (link)

70. World Death Rate Holding Steady At 100 Percent (link)

69. Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show A Hit Among People Who Don’t Know That Pornography Exists (link)

68. You Meet The Most Interesting People Kicking Open Random Bathroom Stalls (link)

funniest onion headlines, injured man not done partying yet

67. Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet (link)

66. Friends Of Band Regret Going To Show (link)

65. African-American Neighborhood Terrorized By Ask Murderer (link)

64. Friend Who Sent Link To 8-Minute YouTube Video Must Be Fucking Delusional (link)

63. Bathroom Smells Like Shit (link)

62. Study: Depression Hits Losers Hardest (link)

onion headlines

61. Free-Thinking Cat Shits Outside The Box (link)

60. Even CEO Can’t Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business (link)

59. Drug Use Down Among Uncool Kids (link)

58. Fat Kid Successfully Avoids Ridicule By Swimming With Shirt On (link)

57. Exercise Ball All The Way Over There (link)

56. Lance Armstrong Wants To Tell Nation Something But Nation Has To Promise Not To Get Mad (link)

55. Small Town Girl Makes Good Porn (link)

54. Romney Apologizes To Nation’s 150 Million ‘Starving, Filthy Beggars’ (link)

53. E! Gives Local Masturbator Inside Scoop On This Summer’s Hottest New Swimwear (link)

52. Starbucks To Begin Sinister ‘Phase Two’ Of Operation (link)

51. NASA Completes 52-Year Mission To Find, Kill God (link)

50. 6-Year-Old Cries When Told MTM Productions Kitten Dead By Now (link)

49. Your Kids: Are They Sexy Enough? (link)

48. Tony Womo Out Three To Four Weeks With Bwoken Widdle Fingey (link)

47. Pope Forgives Molested Children (link)

46. Thousands Turn Out For Empire State Building’s Annual No-Hassle Suicide Day (link)

45. I Can Instantly Tell Whether Someone Is African-American With My Amazing ‘Blackdar’ (link)

44. Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex (link)

43. Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior (link)

42. We Raise All Our Beef Humanely On Open Pasture And Then We Hang Them Upside Down And Slash Their Throats (link)

41. President Personally Performs First Obamacare Euthanization (link)

40. New Study Finds 85% Of Americans Don’t Know All The Dance Moves To National Anthem (link)

39. Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian (link)

38. Gay Couple Has Banal Sex (link)

37. 42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record (link)

36. Dwarf Falls Equivalent Of 10 Stories (link)

35. Typo In Proposition 8 Defines Marriage As Between ‘One Man And One Wolfman’ (link)

34. Poll: Majority Of Americans Approve Of Sending Congress To Syria (link)

33. Breakfast In Bed Served To Mom Who Just Got Eaten Out (link)

funniest onion headlines

32. Christ Returns to NBA (link)

31. Attempt To Delay Ejaculation By Thinking About Baseball Ruined By Crush On Johnny Damon (link)

30. Quiet Loner Really Comes Out Of Shell At Gun Store (link)

29. Family Watching Movie White-Knuckles It Through Unexpected Sex Scene (link)

28. Fifth Level Of Video Game Reached During Phone Call To Mom (link)

27. Trophy Wife Mounted (link)

26. Georgia Adds Swastika, Middle Finger To State Flag (link)

25. Stoner Uncle All The Kids’ Favorite (link)

24. Everyone Glad Someone Else Making Small Talk With Disabled Woman (link)

23. Artist Starving For A Reason (link)

22. Ironic Porn Purchase Leads To Unironic Ejaculation (link)

21. Posters of Naked Women Fail To Draw Real Naked Women To Dorm Room (link)

20. Black Guy Asks Nation For Change (link)

19. Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids (link)

18. Alzheimer’s Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes (link)

17. I Hope My Baby Doesn’t Come Out All Fucked-Up And Shit (link)

16. House Of Blues Actually House Of Whites (link)

15. Woman Who ‘Loves Brazil’ Has Only Seen Four Square Miles Of It (link)

14. Sperm Cells Unaware They’re Swimming Up Large Intestine (link)

13. Shotgun Blast To Abdomen Just Pisses Wilford Brimley Off More (link)

12. Augusta National Honors Tiger Woods With Own Drinking Fountain (link)

11. Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock? (link)

10. Redskins’ Kike Owner Refuses To Change Team’s Offensive Name (link)

100 funniest onion headlines

9. Buddy System Responsible For Additional Death (link)

8. God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy ‘No,’ Says God (link)

7. Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game (link)

6. Anorexic Woman At Gym Looking Good (link)

5. 450,000 Unsold Earth Day Issues Of Time Trucked To Landfill (link)

4. I’m Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze (link)

3. School Bully Not So Tough Since Being Molested (link)

2. Area 5-Year-Old Has To Go To The Doctor For Her Buh-gina (link)

1. Wheelchair-Basketball Players Stunned By Thunderous Slam Dunk (link)

100 funniest onion headlines, wheelchair dunk