The 100 Greatest Quotes From ‘It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia’

It’s hard to believe that the hysterical FX series “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” has been on the air for eight seasons, with production of season nine underway. Series co-writer, producer and star Glenn Howerton (Dennis Reynolds) recently tweeted that the new season is “some of the funniest shit [they’ve] ever done.” Looking back, we realized that is no easy feat. So in anticipation for the upcoming season, set to air in September 2013, we’ve gathered up the best catchphrases and one-liners from the gang and arranged them into the 100 greatest quotes from the show. Check them out and then dive into the comments section to laugh, rejoice and argue with us.

100. [Singing] You gotta pay the troll toll, if you wanna get into that boy’s soul. -Frank

99. So you think not eating cat food is putting on airs? -Mac

98. We’re trying to give you the Christmas spirit, dickhole! -Sweet Dee

97. Yippie-kay-yay, Mr. Falcon! -Frank

96. Charlie, make a move. Just tell her you wanna bang her. -Mac

95. Mac, you have an exceptional number of bugs in your teeth. You’re gonna wanna rinse those out. It’s disgusting. -Dennis

94. Grain alcohol, baby! Whenever there’s a potential riot, I’m getting blasted on grain alcohol. -Mac

93. Okay, Mr. Mayor. Feast your ears on that Spin Doctors mix. -Charlie

92. Dude, do you have a boner right now? -Dennis

91. Name’s Artemis. I have a bleached asshole. -Artemis

90. And you know what happens with Tokyo drifting? It leads to bickering. Which, of course, leads to karate. -Mac

89. The acid’s makin’ me feel like I gotta take a dump. -Frank

88. Dude, I swear to God, if you try and give me a noogie, I will yank your underwear over your head so hard your asshole will rip in half. -Dennis

87. [Holding a calculator] What are you? -Charlie

86. Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese. -Dennis

85. [Reading a note from Charlie] Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day sometime. -Sweet Dee

84. Smoke some cigarettes. The smoke will suffocate the bacteria in your stomach. -Mac

83. Yeah, well, you’ve never once seen me wash my testicles either, but that doesn’t mean I don’t do it every Friday. -Charlie

82. Animals should be food, rugs and trophies. Why do you think I’m wearing a leather suit? -Frank

81. Goddammit, Jack Bauer. You really are the man. -Dennis

80. Dennis, you don’t wanna go anywhere near a court. How many bench warrants for sexual misconduct do you have? Yeah, and Frank, how many unregistered guns are in your car right now? -Sweet Dee

79. Oh, look at me! The millionaire who goes to see doctors! -Charlie

78. I’m just saying, based on that story that you just told me, I’m fairly certain that those Santas were running a train on your mom for money. -Mac

77. Then start breakin’ bricks, wet nips! -Liam McPoyle

76. That’s Tammy, Trey’s ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kinallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timby at a party. But she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because, you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Hannabry. But Trey didn’t like Erin Hannabry. It was all a bunch of bull. -Charlie

75. RUM HAM! RUM HAM! I’m sorry rum ham! I’m sorry… -Frank

74. Mac, I’m gonna stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an old lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you’re trying to manipulate me, and it’s not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder, because I’ve got a fatty to burn. -Sweet Dee

73. You’re a stone cold fox, Margaret. You’re a stone cold fox, and I want you. I gotta have you. I need you. I want you inside me. But you know that, don’t you, Margaret? -Dennis

72. Oh, I get it. Cute. You leave this pen here and people are supposed to think, “Wait, that looks like a dick.” -Mac

71. Well, I don’t know how many years on this Earth I got left. I’m gonna get real weird with it. -Frank

70. Take a look at Rex here. That is a body that just won’t quit. And I bet if you pop those pants off, you’re gonna find a bird that just won’t quit, either. And I think that’ll come in handy in this situation. I think the problem here is that your body quit. Your bird quit. And, unfortunately, it’s no longer legit. -Mac

69. Here’s a confession: I’m in love with a man. What? I’m in love with a man. A man called God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha! -Charlie

68. Hi. Um, I’m a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I’d like some welfare, please. -Dennis

67. I’m not asking you to do much. Just turn a blind eye while I rob this place stupid. -Sweet Dee

66. How’s that ass feel? [slaps Dennis in the ass] -Large Black Man in a Towel

65. Isn’t that amazing? You ask to see a woman’s breasts on the street, you get slapped. You give her a free t-shirt and videotape it, and the clothes come right off. -Mac

64. [In Boston accent] Ohhh, bet you read a lotta Gordon Wood, huh? You read your Gordon Wood and you regurgitate it from a textbook and you think you’re wicked awesome doin’ that, and how ’bout ‘dem apples? And all that Gordon Wood business. -Charlie

63. You know what, Dee? I don’t wanna hear about your dreams, okay? I hate listening to people’s dreams. It’s like flipping through a stack of old photographs. If I’m not in any of ’em and nobody’s having sex, I just- I don’t care. -Dennis

62. I mean, does my scar look like a dog’s vagina? You know, maybe. I don’t know. I’m not gonna sit here and try and get inside the mind of a dog. I mean, that’s God’s work. Well, not that I believe in God. I don’t. Not since that Chinaman stole my kidney. –Rickety Cricket

61. Then, I’ll just regress, because I feel I made myself perfectly redundant. -Charlie

60. [Reading Charlie’s script] “Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I’m hot.” What? “Taxes. They’ll be lower. Son. The democratic vote for me is right thing to do, Philadelphia. So do.” -Dennis

59. Do not plug an open wound with trash. -Mac

58. It’s fetish-fetish shit! I like to bind. I like to BE bound! -Dennis

57. I’m gonna pinch their dicks with this lobster. -Frank

56. This bar runs on trash, dude. This bar is totally green that way. -Charlie

55. Well, maybe you’re a whore, you stupid, ugly, homeless bitch! -Sweet Dee

54. Okay, well, “Charlie work” is like, you know, like basement stuff, cleaning urinals, uh, blood stuff, your basic slimes, your sludges, anything dead or decaying. You know, I’m on it. I’m dealing with it. -Charlie

53. Bruce is not banging any baby dudes! -Sweet Dee

52. Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don’t I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on jobbies?! -Charlie

51. Wanna go get sweaty in the bathroom? -Frank

50. [Singing] I got the Lord. I got the Lord. I got the good Lord, he’s goin’ down on me. -Charlie

49. They’re actors. They’re trying to create an illusion. In the “Lord of the Rings” movie, Ian McKellen plays a wizard. You think he goes home at night and shoots laser beams into his boyfriend’s asshole? I don’t think so, dude. Tom Cruise is a midget, alright,

but he plays guys that are normal size in movies. -Mac

48. What is this word, spa? I feel like you’re starting to a say a word and you’re not finishing it. Are you trying to say spaghetti? Are you taking me for a spaghetti day? -Charlie

47. I’m not fat. I’m cultivating mass. -Fat Mac

46. Your mom doesn’t know dick! She’s a dumb, fat cow. And your sister, she’s a stupid little shit-mouthed bitch, isn’t she? -Sweet Dee

45. [Speaking like a radio host] TWO wars?! We’re in the midst of two wars all at once–Now the United States of America is engaged in both of these wars? -Dennis

44. Roxy, God bless you. You were a good whore. You serviced me like no other whore ever did. Not only my crank, but my heart. And…I’m gonna miss ya. Amen. -Frank

43. You should have seen how passionate he got when I showed him the dick flyer. -Charlie

42. It involves pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses and doing a little plowing of our own. Pow!…Not gay sex. -Mac

41. Cat in the wall, eh?! Okay, now you’re talking my language. -Charlie

40. I don’t appreciate being paraphrased. Now, I choose my words very deliberately. -Mac

39. We’re gonna get all in your face and point out your faults. -Sweet Dee

38. [Vietnamese music playing] This music sounds like whales raping each other. -Mac

37. Well, that’s gonna be a problem; I laser. It’s like a turtle’s shell down there. -Dennis

36. Oh, shit. Look at that door, dude. See that door right there? The one marked “pirate?” You think a pirate

lives in there? -Charlie

35. Fight Milk! The first alcoholic dairy based protein drink for bodyguards! -Mac

34. Later, boners. -Sweet Dee

33. I’m a…full-on rapist, you know? Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sort of thing. -Charlie

32. Bite my bird. -Mac

31. Who am I supposed to vote for? Am I supposed to vote for the Democrat who’s gonna blast me in the ass or the Republican who’s blasting my ass? -Dennis

30. Paddy’s shotgun, bro. You get blasted in the mouth! -Mac

29. I eat stickers all the time, dude! -Charlie

28. I’m not gonna be buried in a grave. When I’m dead, just throw me in the trash. -Frank

27. Later, dudes. S you in your A’s, don’t wear a C and J all over your B’s. -Charlie

26. I hear the guy hangs dong and I’m very interested in seeing that. -Sweet Dee


24. If you’re in my room, you’re always being filmed. -Dennis

23. See, I’ve always got an A, B and C strike plan to get us out of any potentially life-threatening situation. -Mac

22. ‘Cause if the girl said “no,” then the answer obviously is “no.” But the thing is, is she’s not gonna say “no.” She would never say “no,” because of the implication. -Dennis

21. Oh, you’re definitely gonna end up doing gay porn with this tiny little body of yours. -Sweet Dee

20. I got my Magnum condoms; I got my wad of hundreds. I’m ready to plow. -Frank

19. Can I stop you, though? You keep using this word “jabroni.” And…it’s awesome! -Charlie

18. Everybody’s dying, bitch. -Mac

17. Okay, listen. Listen, you remember that night at Dooley’s pool party? On that fine summer eve, when I did that double jackknife twist and blew everybody’s tits off. You remember that? And then I went down on Chrissy Orlando on the trampoline later that night? -Dennis

16. [Singing] I’m gonna rise up. I’m gonna kick a little ass. Gonna kick some ass in the U.S.A. Gonna climb a mountain. Gonna sew a flag. Gonna fly on an eagle. I’m gonna kick some butt. I’m gonna

drive a big truck. I’m gonna rule this world. I’m gonna kick some ass. I’m gonna rise up. I’m gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG AND EAGLE! -Charlie

15. Flush that turd down the drain! -Frank

14. I browned out that evening. -Mac

13. See you later, Dirt Grub and Ronnie the Rat. Hope you suck each other’s rotten peckers until you get mouth cancer. -Sweet Dee

12. Boys are out tonight, huh? -Dennis

11. I will SMASH your face into a- into a jelly! -Charlie

10. So come on, you ol’ son of a gun, and let Buster do a line off your boner. -Buster the Jockey

9. Oh, you unzipped me! It’s all coming back! It’s all coming back; I hate you! It’s all coming back, you understand?! I DON’T LIKE IT! I DON’T LIKE TO THINK ABOUT IT! -Frank

8. [Singing] Dayman, fighter of the Nightman, champion of the sun, you’re a master of karate and friendship for everyone. Dayman! -Charlie and Dennis

7. I will eat your babies, bitch! -Sweet Dee

6. I shoulda popped my shirt off. Goddammit, really shoulda popped that shirt off. -Dennis

5. Wildcard, bitches! Yee-haw! -Charlie

4. Yeah, we both got punked, Frank. We both got punked. These kids these days, I’ll tell you what, they’re nothing like we used to be back when we were in fraternities. They have no respect for anybody. Okay? They’re like-they’re like stupid little goddamn savages. I mean, I came in there, right, and I was polite and I was nice to them. I was cordial. And the

y completely goddamn disrespected me, little IDIOTS! IDIOTS! I was completely respectful. They’re supposed to be my brothers, right? They’re my brothers? Nooo, no. That’s not fun. What they were doing wasn’t fun. They kept zapping us, and zapping us! IDIOTS! SAVAGES! IDIOTS! IDIOTS! -Dennis

3. Dennis, if I was looking for safe, I wouldn’t be sticking my dick through a wall. -Frank

2. Is your cat making TOO MUCH NOISE ALL THE TIME? -Charlie

1. Hey-o! What’s up, bitches! -Mac


// ad on openWeb