Katie Holmes Is Escaping The Clutches Of Xenu

Katie Holmes might not be the deluded, star-struck robot that we all thought she was, because yesterday she filed for divorce from Tom Cruise, her crazy, possibly closeted husband of five years. Considering he’s been saying to every journalist who will listen over the past month how “amazing” his wife is, people are speculating that she sprung this on him out of the blue. When they got married it was reported that they had an iron clad prenump that was very fair to Katie (her dad is a divorce lawyer and was reportedly involved in the negotiations so you know she is gonna get bank) but this is going to get really ugly when it comes to custody.

Various outlets are reporting that Katie filed in New York and not California because New York is much more likely to give her sole legal custody of their daughter, meaning she can get Suri out of the Church of Scientology. All you need to know about how well that is going to go down with Tom is this: When Nicole Kidman divorced him and cut all ties with Scientology she was almost certainly labeled a “Suppressive Person,” or SP, by the Church, meaning no good Scientologist would be around her. This included her two adopted children with Tom, who rarely saw their mother after the divorce. So we know Tom will straight up take his ex-wive’s kids away from them and keep them brainwashed, and he has the money and lawyers to make sure that happens this time as well. This is going to be interesting.

According to TMZ‘s completely non-scientific polls on the spilt, just about everyone is Team Katie, most likely because, if it wasn’t clear yet, Tom Cruise is insane.

But it wouldn’t be a story about a Scientologist if there wasn’t something really weird to report, and Radar Online pointed out that all three of Tom’s wives divorced him when they were 33 years old. That is apparently the age when a woman’s brain finally matures to the point she realizes she doesn’t want to be with a short, extremely controlling man who thinks our bodies are inhabited with the souls of dead aliens, no matter how big a movie star he is.

And if you had forgotten just how batshit Tom Cruise is: